Today I choose to be positive! It’s been a crummy week. I’ve been negative and beating myself up. I’m usually my own worst critic. I’m constantly told I’m too hard on myself. I’ve found this in a lot of us that have mental illnesses. Depression takes away a lot of our ability to make positive choices. It’s almost impossible sometimes. I’ve been to that dark place far too many times. I’m at the point where I need to stop the cycle. I woke up this morning and decided that today was going to be good. That today I was going to be happy and not let things that don’t matter get me down. I want to enjoy the simple things. I was able to take my 2 year old to school without a tantrum! Score! Seems small, but I’m taking it as a good sign for the rest of the day. I turned the radio up and put my “Happy” play list and danced and sang in the car. Nope not manic. Just enjoying the beauty of the simple things. Hold on tight to those small things. They build up and build up until you realize you really do feel good. If you can keep this attitude up, just maybe you will start a new way of thinking, a new beginning for the way you view your life. Let’s do it! Let’s try together. Supporting each other is huge. Tweet what positive thoughts you have today and tag me @iseaturtles Happy Friday everyone!
Believe it or not that was me the Spring of 2011. I was leading a wonderful life. Healthy, happy, fulfilled. I prayed multiple times each day, attended a few different services through out the week, and traveled to attend services to visit Bishops. I felt stronger than ever and was looking towards a wonderful future with my husband. Until this happened…
Yep, that’s what mania looks like for me. It hit me quick and hard. Suddenly I couldn’t pray and lost all interest in being a good Orthodox woman. I wanted all the men, I bought tons of sexy clothes, went out partying all the time and slept very little so I could do more of those previous things. It was a disaster to say the least. It effected my husband, friends and family, because when I’m manic I think the things I’m doing are 100% acceptable. I had no guilt about my actions. I was having fun!! It took a long time for the mania to subside and when it did my life was in shambles.
It’s been a long time since I was a devoted Orthodox woman and since that manic episode. I still feel like I’m trying to put together all the pieces. I don’t fit in a box. None of us do. There are pieces from both times that need to be a part of who I am. They linger deep inside of me. I want to be more connected to God. I want to have my faith strengthened, but on the other hand I was so changed with mania I can’t ever become the person I was. There were some wonderful people that I met when I was manic. People that are still in my life and I never want that to change. The question I struggle with is whether the things we do when we are manic are sinful or not. I really can’t find the answer. There’s so much grey area, yet I feel 100% confident that things happen for a reason. So in your 100 shades of grey where do you find peace with who you are today?