First off, I’m safe. I’m alright. I’m confused and a bit frustrated. in an attempt to become a “better” “healthier” person, i think i’ve somewhat lost myself. I’m having an identity crisis of sorts. I’ve worked sooo very hard to become tougher, stronger, more resilient, and independent this year. in a matter of weeks I turned around a depressed virtually meaningless existence into a productive, fighting for dear life success story. i shouldn’t have been as easy as it was. there has to be consequences of some sort. i’m not saying that i didn’t and don’t struggle to make it everyday, but it just came so easily. I became someone else. Someone that doesn’t resemble even in the slightest any previous version of myself. in the words of my psychiatrist i became normal. it was strange. i was able to use logic and reason to control my thoughts. i was rational and calm. i didn’t stress the small stuff. i lived alone and dealt with crisis situations amazingly. i really believe a miracle had occurred, and i’m not even discounting that one did. i got used to this new self. i felt more comfortable around new people and even made great new friends. people like this new me. my family is happy with who i’ve become. greg is proud of me and don’t even worry anymore about me being alone. i should be shouting from the roof tops how happy i am. why aren’t i? because for one year i have barely felt anything. yes, there were a few times where i nearly lost it, but i didn’t. i’m not even just talking about feeling sadness. I’m talking about feeling alive, comfortable in my skin, like me. i pushed away all of my past emotional tendencies in the name of self preservation. Did i throw the baby out with the bath water? I think i did. I have always been a very passionate emotive person and i want that back. i want to listen to a song and have it move me. to touch me. i want to have conversations about important deep meaningful life questions. I just want to feel something. good or bad. this should scare the shit out of me. hell this whole post should terrify me that i’m feeling this way. but i’m tired of feeling like an impostor. i feel like i’m wearing a mask again. i’ve said that before, but this is different. i feel like i killed part of me that i kinda really liked. i’m not sure i like being so mentally together all the time. it just doesn’t feel like me.
i can’t get over the feeling that there is a pink elephant in the room every time i’m around someone here. It goes even further than that. It’s like there is a pink elephant, but only i can see it or know it’s there. people don’t know how i used to be. i wish they did. i wish it was a good idea to have them know. i’m talking full disclosure. but i don’t think it is. at least not until i decided what’s going on inside of my head.
i don’t want to forget. i don’t want to be someone that’s not true to myself. who ever that is. i need to be around people that know everything. that have always been there. know really love me because they fought these battles with me. i count 4 of them and they are currently not able to be an active part of my life.
thank god for this blog. i’m currently not able to speak these words to anyone. including greg. they won’t come out. i can’t even write them in my journal. they have to be said here. i guess i feel safe here. i don’t know if anyone even reads this, but if you do and you have any experience with living with bipolar disorder and being conflicted, i’d really appreciate any advice.
I can’t speak.
If I say it, it will become real.
Put a gag in my mouth and bite down.
Shadows around every corner. Threatening to show themselves.
Patterns of thought that have haunted me for years are harassing me yet again. This happens. I fight and fight for so long. Even sometimes convince myself that I’m not even fighting anymore. That it once and for all is over. It’s never over. Everyone has their demons. Everyone has their problems. Might just happen to be unusual and difficult for people to wrap their head around. How do you tell new friends that you really want to keep as friends that some times you have voices screaming in your head, sometimes you throw up to feel like you are getting some kind of evil out, sometimes you want to cut yourself, drink an whole bottle of liquor, take a bottle of pills, pull the trigger of a gun on yourself. People for some reason take this shit seriously. ha! It is serious. I know, swear to God, that deep down in my heart I would never ever hurt myself seriously. I guess I just feel very isolated from the very few people that know that. That know my pain and know i have the faith to over come anything. But that also knows that it tears me apart.
Lately, I have been able to pretend past everything. Convincing myself and others that I’m fine. And I am fine. I guess it’s all just catching up to me. I can only be strong for so long before I start to crumble. I just wish I could tell my story and for once not be afraid of rejection. Maybe for once not be looking for rejection.
I’ve been not feeling like myself at all lately. At least when i start to feel like this it feels normal. I’ve been too logical too calm to rational. It’s weird. It’s what I’m supposed to be like. At least that’s what everyone tells me. I’m exhausted. I want to let go. lose control.
But I won’t. I’ve worked too hard. I’ve created a better life for myself and I will not fail this time. I’ll do what ever I have to do. I’ll write, pray, cry, scream, whatever through this. The Lord never gives up on me and I can’t give up on myself.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I’ve been focusing on this verse a lot lately. It’s been a very challenging, rewarding, scary, exciting, anxious, and love filled year. Some how I’ve found my peace. Things don’t ruin me when they go wrong anymore. I try to take everything in stride and focus on the positive rather than the negative. The bipolar disorder hasn’t been effecting me for a long time now. In the last few months I’ve lost a lot of weight, made some wonderful friends and have really be happy. Unfortunately my health hasn’t corporated. Some how I have diabetes. Out of no where. I mean I had been over weight and unhealthy for so long because of the bipolar depression, but to me it felt like it came out of no where. It sucks, but what can I do other than take better care of myself. I’m not letting anything get me that down ever again. When something goes wrong I pray it out. A thousand Lord Have Mercies if I have to. I have to keep going. I can’t afford to fall apart anymore. I used to fall apart over the tiniest things, now with Greg gone and by choice I don’t have the luxury to lose it for an extended period of time. I just have too many responsibilities. I deserve better than that.
So in two weeks Greg will be home. Not for good unfortunately though. He’s going back over for 3 more months. Boo! But it will put us in a good financial position for the future. After that I’m never letting him leave my side ever again. You know people say, “I could never be away from my husband for that long.” I was the last person on earth that anyone would think could handle this. And I have. He’s over there because he loves me. Because he wanted to fix past mistakes and plan for our future. A future that God willing one day with include children. He loves me so much that he would go so far from me to do what’s best for me. I respect him so much for what he does everyday.
It’s Lent now. That means fasting. Not just of food, but of other distractions and passions. It’s a time for reflection and increased prayer. I especially right now need to focus on that and not my problems. Taking care of my spiritual life is just as important if not more so than my physical well being. So it’s time to dig into those books on Orthodoxy I keep meaning to read and crack open that prayer book a few times a day.
I’m so thankful for everything I have. My life has become truely beautiful this year. I for once look forward to the future and can’t wait to see what is in store for me.
This is so freaking hard. I can’t stand it much longer. I need greg to be home. I’m going nuts. My self-doubt is killing me. i feel so unworthy of everything and feel like i’m not good enough to be loved or to do anything worthwhile. i’ve been working so hard to be a better person in as many ways as i can handle. having some human comfort right now would be a great help. i keep fantasizing about holding greg’s hand. it’s really been preoccupying me. i just hope we connect when we finally are together again. only 14 more days! i have made it this long. i can certainly make it just a little bit longer. i keep getting anxious. and paranoid and having weird thoughts of doing psychotic things. i guess as long as they stay just thoughts i’ll be ok. just needed to vent tonight i guess. i kind of upset greg earlier and i feel really bad about it. we’ll make it through this i just need to keep the faith.