I’ve been crying all morning. i can’t stop. i hurt so bad. I don’t want to change the meds. I was better off before being crazy manic. this is awful. i can’t do this again. i won’t do this again. i won’t do this alone. no one understands. my mom keeps telling me to do projects and keep busy, but she doesn’t understand that i physically and mentally can’t. all i can do is feel pain. I need to not be alone. it’s really really bad to be alone like this. what am i going to do???
Was i supposed to want to get better? I somehow remember knowing that the mania was bad and needed to go away. Well after a few med changes, the mania is changing into something else. and i don’t like it. i’m far from depressed. I just feel desperate. I feel desperate to be around people. when someone ditches me or i can’t find someone interesting to talk to I freak. seriously freak. like i can’t survive freak. it’s so much less about being wild and about increased sexual arousal as pure loneliness and fear of being alone. I tried to fill the void with shopping. Yeah I think greg was more mad about that than anything else i have done. for the first time in a long time i’m yearning for him to be here everyday. to have someone to wake up to. to have someone to fall asleep with. it doesn’t matter how many friends you have or whatever nothing can replace that. plus i know greg loves me exactly just how i am. i don’t think i could ever find that acceptance anywhere else. i feel like i’m searching for something and i can’t figure out what it is. i just keep trying the same things and they are less and less right. i went out to ybor city tonight to a club. manic beth should have been thrilled, but i wasn’t. i didn’t even have a good time. i kept thinking this just isn’t for me. these are not my kind of people. i knew then something was changing. I’m ready to move past most of this, but i don’t know what to do next. i wish i could go to school but i don’t think i’m ready for that just yet. i’m so confused. maybe this will just take more time.
first of all i want to make it clear that i am an extremely honest person. i tell the truth as much and as often as i can. too much sometimes. i’ve been told by people to please not share with them or specific others certain aspects of my manic lifestyle. i guess the thing is that i don’t see a problem with that i’m doing or saying or thinking. others for sure do. so i’ve had to learn to try to figure out who i can tell things to and who i can’t. I’ve separated myself from a lot of people since i’ve been manic. i know that my grandma doesn’t want to hear about all the men i’ve been talking to and that mom doesn’t approve of getting new tattoos. i can’t talk to certain church friends about guys coming over because they just won’t understand. it’s not that what i’m doing is wrong, i’m just too exhausted to try to explain things to people and still be misunderstood. with those closest to me i’d say i have about a 85% disclosure rate. The 15% left is all details that no one wants to hear about. I don’t know about greg. i try to tell him as much as i can, but i also protect him a little right now too. i mean nothing matters. i love him very much and that won’t ever change. i’m just a little wild and crazy right now. having a lot of fun. harmless. to me at least. it’s really hard to keep things to myself. it’s not in my nature, but i keep finding myself biting my tongue lately to not piss everyone off. everyone looovvveeesssss me to be depressed, but they can’t handle manic beth. whatever. i really hate feeling suicidal. it really sucks. i’d rather be here. and i know i won’t be here forever, but i’m enjoying while i can. before i’m stuck in bed crying all the time again. so in short, if you can’t handle the truth sorry. don’t ask me anything then. and i’ll try not to upset you.
I was driving home tonight from my friend’s house and i was jamming out to some blondie! (my fav song to karaoke to) i realized that i was having a super fantastic day. so some days are hard, but there are plenty that are just as equally great. i feel so good right now. i’m blessed beyond belief. my life right now is amazing. i am seriously enjoying it so much. i have amazing people in my life. great friends new and old who make me laugh, smile, and happy every single day. i have the freedom to do what i need to do when i need to do it. more like what i want when i want it. lol a super supportive husband who knows i’m me and never tries to change anything about me. he accepts that i’m a little different, but that when it comes down to it i have his back forever.
I feel like this time alone has been the best thing i could have ever asked for. i feel like i’m really finding myself. finding out who i am, what i want, what i don’t want, what i’ll put up with and what i won’t. I’ve become so much stronger and independent and i love it. it was really hard in the beginning, but now that it’s been 16 months, i’m thriving.
there is so much more i can do on my own now. for god’s sake i can drive pretty much anywhere now. before i’d barely drive to the grocery store, let alone go in it alone. lol now i’m not even afraid to go somewhere thats i have no idea where it is. i have 3 GPS’s and will find it eventually.
lately i have rediscovered my lifelong love for music. thanks very much in part to a kick ass new sound system in rosie the wrangler. i missed that bass!! i need music to surround me fill me up become part of me. it feels so damn good. when the bass hits it’s like it runs through my veins. mmmmmmmm….
Before greg left i hadn’t gotten out of bed in a year pretty much. how he left me like that i’ll never know, but i’m glad he did. i had to reacquaint myself with society. it was pretty awkward for a while and i had some issues with relationships, but lately things have been great. bethy’s got her groove back. haha! i think the mania helped kick it up a little, but i finally got my self confidence that i had always had back. in the past even when things were really rough and no matter what i looked like i was confident. why shouldn’t i be? i’m me. if you don’t like me that’s not my issue. all i know how to be is me and i think i’m pretty ok. it goes deeper. i’ve learned that i am able to overcome obstacles that a lot of people would crumble under. i’m strong confident and like who i’ve become. as part of this i decided to do something pretty cool. I’m doing a pin up girl photo shoot later this month. i’m so excited!! i feel great and i’m not getting any younger or prettier so i figured now’s the time. the shoes above are for one of the outfits i’ll be wearing. i’ll definitely post pictures when i get them.
I got a tattoo today. yes, another one. it’s pretty sweet. i wanted something representing where i was right now in life. i came up with the idea with a big strong weathered tree that had knots and was old, but still had the ability to bud with new life. So i went to atomic to see when i could get it done and they wanted to do it right then because they didn’t have to draw it up because i wanted it on the side of my back so they wanted to just draw it on instead of a stencil. I sat for 4 hours with a few breaks. it hurt and it was long, but in the end it was worth it. it’s gorgeous.
i guess the one thing that is weighing heavy on my mind is what it will be like when greg comes back for good. i’m worried that i’ll miss my freedom and joy that i’ve found in being on my own. but we’ll work it out. we always do. Thank you lord for all that you’ve given me and for the continued blessings that are bestowed upon me every single day.
I FEEL SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I’M FREAKING OUT HARD CORE BECAUSE I’M ALONE. IF I HAVE SOMETHING MANIC TO KEEP ME BUSY I’M FINE, BUT IF I AM ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS AND BRAIN I’M READY TO EXPLODE. I WANT TO RIP MY SKIN OFF AGAIN AND THROW IT AGAINST THE WALL, SHOOT IT, THEN SET IT ON FIRE… EVERYTIME I FEEL THIS WAY THE DESCRIPTION GETS MORE DRAMATIC. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD GO OUT SOMEWHERE, BUT I ALSO DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. I FEEL LIKE SLEEPING BUT I ALSO FEEL LIKE GETTING INTO TROUBLE. WELL HELLO! MIXED STATE! FUCKING BULLSHIT. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY THE WORST AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS OR CAN DO A DAMN THING TO HELP ME. I NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD ME. THAT’S WHAT I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED. AND I CAN’T EVEN MANAGE TO DRUM THAT UP RIGHT NOW. THIS IS HORRIBLE. I’D PAY SOMEONE TO LAY BESIDE ME RIGHT NOW SO I FELT SAFE. I’M ON THE VERGE OF HYSTERICS. AND NO ONE EVEN KNOWS OR CARES. IT’S LIKE I COULD BE DIEING RIGHT NOW AND WHO KNOWS WHEN SOMEONE MIGHT NOTICE. PEOPLE NEED TO CALL BACK WHEN THEY SAY THEY WILL AND COME OVER WHEN THEY SAY THEY WILL. MY SURVIVAL DEPENDS ON THAT. ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW IS THIS BLOG TO SHARE HOW I FEEL. BUT FOR ALL I KNOW ONLY GREG READS IT HOURS AND HOURS LATER WHEN ANY HELP IS A MOOT POINT. I FEEL VERY ON THE EDGE. TEETERING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN FEELINGS. MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME MAKE IT STOP. *SOB*
GOING BACK AND FORTH AND UP AND DOWN AGAIN. STILL OVER ALL HIGH MIXED WITH SOME BEING ALL ALONE PARANOIA. THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO CRY THIS MORNING, BUT I THINK I WAS JUST TIRED FROM LAST NIGHT. THE TAXI COMPANY SUCKS ASS AND WOULDN’T COME GET US, SO I HAD TO WALK 3 MILES IN THESE BOOTS. OUCH! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TOMORROW BRINGS, BUT I’LL GET THROUGH IT WHATEVER IT MAY BE. LET’S JUST HOPE I DON’T PISS OFF TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THE PROCESS.
i’m in a weird bizarro mood. I have had a weird day. I don’t know what to think of how i’m feeling. manic for sure! Coming down, maybe? Doing on the z axis? FOr sure. I’ve been listening to journey a lot today. lol the kind of music i can stand to listen to tells a lot about my mood. somethings i have been listening to I can’t now. the bass crave is somewhat leaving me. my brain is all a jumble, in fact right now i need to turn off the music all together. OH better now. I couldn’t concentrate. But this really is a journey. a weird one. i’m sure there will be lots of looking back and head smacking involved. i just want to get through this without any permanent damage to my life and future. who knows. I wish i could pray to god. that’s one thing i lose every time i’m manic. but even though i can’t pray i know he knows that and is with me anyway protecting me from myself the best he can. a slight paranoia is setting in as well. i keep looking over my shoulder. i feel this urge to keep busy to keep pushing to keep acting manic to keep being high. i’m afraid of what might happen if i’m alone too long. it’s scary. i’ve been taking company in anyway i can get it lately. it’s odd, but i need people to be around me. to protect me from my thoughts…
I actually feel better with greg not being here. (sorry baby) it’s like it’s so much easier to be myself. my manic self that is without having to worry about anyone being here to judge me for my actions. i can have less stress this way. maybe i get into more trouble, but i’d still be getting into some kind of trouble. but it doesn’t even feel like trouble. it’s like breathing. something i just have to do to stay alive. no choices when you’re manic. you want something, you do it, get it, buy it!!!! you just have to. i haven’t found another way yet. i guess that’s where greg would have come into play, but i would have hated him this entire time and probably gone to more extremes to act out.
enough. i’m tired. no one even reads this shit. if you do. i’ll keep posting regardless. Night.
I’m breaking down at an alarming rate. I think the lack of sleep has finally caught up to me. I feel like a radioactive element quickly reaching my half life. Thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions, pain, joy, confusion, clarity. All flying off my brain quicker than i can recognize them. the mania has been really not too bad. i mean it will seem horrible later i’m sure and i’m sure i’ll be doing a lot of explaining and apologizing, but it’s been easier than being suicidal for long periods of time. but right now i don’t have a clue what’s going to happen next. i’ve never felt this mentally ill in all my life. it’s weird. it’s like i can see the crazy. I’m scared to talk to or be around loved ones right now. i am unstable and who knows what could happen. Maybe sleep tonight will help. i had all these great things i wanted to write, but the exhaustion just hit me and i can’t keep a thought straight in my head right now. I’ll be fine. it’s just another weird part of this illness.
I’ve not always been an honest person. This may surprise some of you that know me well, but from the ages of 15-19 I hid many secrets. After they came out it opened the flood gates. After that i couldn’t keep a secret, thought, or idea to myself. I pride myself on being an open book. But when you are extremely manic or depressed people just don’t want to hear how you are feeling. it scares them. they don’t know how to take it. and after a while you just want to shut up and not talk to anyone about it because you know you will be misunderstood. It’s frustrating. No one gets what i’m going through. I need to get involved in the online bipolar community again. maybe even a support group. I’m really manic right now, but i think it’s coming down some. that last post was a doozy. Sorry Greg! I mean what can I say though. that’s how i felt for a the last few weeks. like any good drug it’s finally starting to wear off and i’m getting agitated. the guilt is starting to creep in slowly, well at least i’m starting to think about what i do before i do it. still not making the best choices but i’m getting there. It’s weird. you are manic for weeks and then when you start to come a little down you forget what it’s like not to be manic. same way it was for me when i was depressed for so long. I don’t know which ends up. It’s like scuba diving or being in space. “There is no up.” Probably quoted wrong but you get the picture. i’m exhausted. not sleeping and having your mind race for a month straight takes a toll on you. Not having my husband here during all this is taking a toll on me too. I’m not sure if he would have been able to help, but i might have been safer. It’s not his fault by any means i just don’t have a safety net right now. My brain is fried. I’m confused. i’m still racing. maybe some mixed state is occurring. i don’t know but manic thoughts are still controlling me and i hate it. i hope to God that i don’t ruin everything in my life because of this horrible illness.
I’m trying my hardest to be strong, but i broke down this morning. i was talking to my priest and just lost it. I can’t tell him anything. he doesn’t understand. he wouldn’t get it. i cried for the first time since i’ve been manic. i was mad at everyone that they didn’t understand or do the right things to help me. i was mad at myself for failing. i was mad at greg for being gone, leaving me alone when he knows what can happen, mad at my friends for taking advantage of my kindness, and mad at men for treating me like some kind of piece of meat. I’m just mad today.
I’m going to try to make some rules for myself to come down off of this slowly. things i can do less of or differently. i need to not spiral out of control. I’m going to try, but i can’t promise anything. I’ll try to keep updating here. it really helps. if you read this, no matter who you are or what you think please comment. i really don’t like being alone in my head right now.
Ohhh yeah! It’s all about sex! I’m soooooo manic right now. I’m a teenage boy kind of perv right now. OMG! I’m so happy! I think… I feel really really good. Everyone wants me and I want everyone. It’s pretty incredible. How long will this last? No idea. WHat will happen? No idea. Do I care? Hell no! I’m just going along for the ride. Music sounds so good right now. Can’t wait to get my system on Tuesday! WOOT! That’s all for now. I’m going to go have fun!