Believe it or not that was me the Spring of 2011. I was leading a wonderful life. Healthy, happy, fulfilled. I prayed multiple times each day, attended a few different services through out the week, and traveled to attend services to visit Bishops. I felt stronger than ever and was looking towards a wonderful future with my husband. Until this happened…
Yep, that’s what mania looks like for me. It hit me quick and hard. Suddenly I couldn’t pray and lost all interest in being a good Orthodox woman. I wanted all the men, I bought tons of sexy clothes, went out partying all the time and slept very little so I could do more of those previous things. It was a disaster to say the least. It effected my husband, friends and family, because when I’m manic I think the things I’m doing are 100% acceptable. I had no guilt about my actions. I was having fun!! It took a long time for the mania to subside and when it did my life was in shambles.
It’s been a long time since I was a devoted Orthodox woman and since that manic episode. I still feel like I’m trying to put together all the pieces. I don’t fit in a box. None of us do. There are pieces from both times that need to be a part of who I am. They linger deep inside of me. I want to be more connected to God. I want to have my faith strengthened, but on the other hand I was so changed with mania I can’t ever become the person I was. There were some wonderful people that I met when I was manic. People that are still in my life and I never want that to change. The question I struggle with is whether the things we do when we are manic are sinful or not. I really can’t find the answer. There’s so much grey area, yet I feel 100% confident that things happen for a reason. So in your 100 shades of grey where do you find peace with who you are today?
If I could choose one word to describe my personal set of beliefs it would be kismet.
[ ˈkizmit, -ˌmet ]
“what chance did I stand against kismet?”
There have been very specific events and people who have shaped the course of my life. I can tell you exact instances that changed me to become the person who I am today. These moments may have seemed positive or negative at the time, but honestly they were just meant to be. I believe in God. I also believe all things happen for a reason, but I believe that specific certain things are destined to be. It is really interesting to look back and see how people seemingly popped into my life out of nowhere. How they have become an integral part of my everyday life. They changed my course, my barring. As a abuse survivors, we often question why did that have to happen, or what could have I done differently to change it. In my humble opinion, I had to happen. It made me who I am today, so in my mind it wasn’t negative. It was meant to be. It actually makes it much easier to deal with. The beauty of kismet is what it does for me in looking forward. When I’m down, when I’m depressed, when I think things will never get better, I look down at my arm tattoo and remember kismet. I am reminded that I never know what’s around the corner and that there are things and people that will be coming into my life and that there is more in my future. I say that that events aren’t positive or negative, but I believe that God has only good plans for me. So even if the events are viewed as negative, they are there to serve a higher purpose even if I can’t see it at the moment. Kismet also makes me excited! There is a whole life ahead of me and I can’t wait to see what happens! I can’t wait to meet these people that will define my life. I can’t wait to see what exciting moments there will be.
If you are struggling, look back from where you came. Think about the moments of kismet in your life. The moments who defined who you are. Know that there will be more of these moments and people in your future and look forward to them coming. Because they will come. Just have faith that your life is meant to be good even in your darkest hour.