Category Archives: Happiness

Idle Lips

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There’s a quote from the bible that says “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop; idle lips are his mouthpiece.” Now I don’t personally find this to be the best way to say what I’m getting at but the idea is there. I’ve been fighting lately. So many ups and downs, I just want off the roller coaster and crawl into bed and stay there. For a while I was doing just that. By doing that however, I was allowing negativity into my life. I was adding obsessive thoughts. Lustful thought. Things that really were not going to help me back on the road to being stable again.

It’s not about the devil or some evil outside force. I was honestly being idle. Not trying to do anything to help myself. So I did one small thing. I got a twitter account. I started to interact with people of like mindedness. I started writing my blog again. My lips were no longer idle and I began to feel better. I felt like I was a part of something and it made me feel less lonely. Words are powerful and really do help make ourselves feel less isolated.

This was really helping, but I needed more to do with my free time. I was literally obsessing about how bad my life was, about how miserable and sad and lonely I was. So after some disappointing interviews, I decided that if I don’t get the jobs that I’m going to make a quilt. This seems disconnected, but I needed something to fall back on as a solid project for my very idle hands. So I started sewing and I started having less negative thoughts. I was focused on my work and I feel like I was accomplishing something. I’ve also began to draw more too and my mind gets so focused that the hours pass and I don’t even realize it. I’m feeling better. It really does help to find a hobby that you can do with out and stress. Try quilting, or knitting, or scrapbooking, or building something,or any kind of art. Keep your hands busy and keep writing and tweeting. In time things will naturally work there way out. What do you do to keep your mind occupied?

 

Choose to be Awesome Today

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Today I choose to be positive! It’s been a crummy week. I’ve been negative and beating myself up. I’m usually my own worst critic. I’m constantly told I’m too hard on myself. I’ve found this in a lot of us that have mental illnesses. Depression takes away a lot of our ability to make positive choices. It’s almost impossible sometimes. I’ve been to that dark place far too many times. I’m at the point where I need to stop the cycle. I woke up this morning and decided that today was going to be good. That today I was going to be happy and not let things that don’t matter get me down. I want to enjoy the simple things. I was able to take my 2 year old to school without a tantrum! Score! Seems small, but I’m taking it as a good sign for the rest of the day. I turned the radio up and put my “Happy” play list and danced and sang in the car. Nope not manic. Just enjoying the beauty of the simple things. Hold on tight to those small things. They build up and build up until you realize you really do feel good. If you can keep this attitude up, just maybe you will start a new way of thinking, a new beginning for the way you view your life. Let’s do it! Let’s try together. Supporting each other is huge. Tweet what positive thoughts you have today and tag me @iseaturtles Happy Friday everyone!

Kismet

WP_20141103_002If I could choose one word to describe my personal set of beliefs it would be kismet.

kismet
[ ˈkizmit, -ˌmet ]
NOUN
noun: kismet
destiny; fate:
“what chance did I stand against kismet?”
There have been very specific events and people who have shaped the course of my life. I can tell you exact instances that changed me to become the person who I am today. These moments may have seemed positive or negative at the time, but honestly they were just meant to be. I believe in God. I also believe all things happen for a reason, but I believe that specific certain things are destined to be. It is really interesting to look back and see how people seemingly popped into my life out of nowhere. How they have become an integral part of my everyday life. They changed my course, my barring. As a abuse survivors, we often question why did that have to happen, or what could have I done differently to change it. In my humble opinion, I had to happen. It made me who I am today, so in my mind it wasn’t negative. It was meant to be. It actually makes it much easier to deal with. The beauty of kismet is what it does for me in looking forward. When I’m down, when I’m depressed, when I think things will never get better, I look down at my arm tattoo and remember kismet. I am reminded that I never know what’s around the corner and that there are things and people that will be coming into my life and that there is more in my future. I say that that events aren’t positive or negative, but I believe that God has only good plans for me. So even if the events are viewed as negative, they are there to serve a higher purpose even if I can’t see it at the moment. Kismet also makes me excited! There is a whole life ahead of me and I can’t wait to see what happens! I can’t wait to meet these people that will define my life. I can’t wait to see what exciting moments there will be.
If you are struggling, look back from where you came. Think about the moments of kismet in your life. The moments who defined who you are. Know that there will be more of these moments and people in your future and look forward to them coming. Because they will come. Just have faith that your life is meant to be good even in your darkest hour.

Confidence

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I’m 33 years old and I love who I am. I haven’t always been able to say that. I hated who I was for many years. Battled with self esteem issues of all kinds. A friend asked me the other day how I was so confident. I had a quick answer, but there is a lot deeper of one too.

Confidence comes in a few different forms. Confidence in how you look, confidence in your job, confidence as a friend of family member, etc. I’m not going to try to cover all there is involved to be a confident human being, but I want to cover the things that I have struggled with.

I’ve never been a size 2 super model. Hell, I haven’t been a size 12 since like 7th grade. I’ve always been a bigger girl. At 5’11, I towered over the boys more most of my formative years, well and frankly still do. I was awkward and didn’t like my body. Most teenagers go through this faze too, so I know I’m not alone. But in high school some how boys started noticing me and my confidence grew, but it wasn’t real. I didn’t feel it deep down. By being insecure deep down about how I looked, I got into some bad situations mixed with mania, it was a mess. As I grew up and had relationships and was around other men, I found my self believing that I was an attractive woman to other people. But it was all shallow. It wasn’t real. I never really believed it.

In 2011, I lost 70lbs and was feeling fantastic. I felt healthy and strong and could look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw. After that I unfortunately, had a pretty big abandonment issue, and I got super manic. Something kicked in and I felt like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Now a lot of us feel super sexual during mania, but this was different. I honestly felt beautiful. And to prove that I was taking my power back. Men thought I was gorgeous and they lavished me with compliments, but that didn’t even matter. I felt it deep down inside. For once I felt like I loved my body no matter what size I am. To celebrate this feeling and well because I was manic, I did a pinup photo shoot to show that curves can be beautiful and to celebrate myself. The mania eventually died down, but my confidence about my body did not. I realized that it didn’t matter what size I was, that as long as I feel beautiful no one else’s opinions mattered. Today I’m a gorgeous size 22 and I rock it! I feel strong and confident and beautiful. I’m able to look at my curvy womanly body not perfect after babies and scars, but see myself as a beautiful strong woman. But I also have to feel beautiful on the inside to show it on the outside.

After battling for so long with finding who I feel that I am today, the other part is the confidence of who I am. I have fought so many years dealing with self hatred and doubt. Coming close to suicide and hating my self. This would be too long of a post it I told you all the details so I’m going to sum it up. I worked my ass off to accept who I am. I know I have my hard times. I know I’m not perfect. I know I screw up royally sometimes, but damn it I’m pretty awesome! I have realized over the years that I am a great friend, a loving person, a positive motivational person, funny, and caring. You should always be able to count on one hand 5 positive qualities about yourself no matter how you are feeling. It’s good practice. I have my down days, but those down times have taught me to see my inner strengths. To dig down deep and see the good inside myself, even when I hate my self and life.

Today make that list. Name 5 good things that you love about yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful no matter what anyone else thinks. That you shine from the inside out! And don’t forget to smile friends. I’m here cheering for you!!!

Living with out fear

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I used to live in fear of life. Afraid I would fail. Afraid to disappoint myself and everyone else. I felt weak, helpless.

I stopped! I realized I wasn’t truly living my life. I was going through the motions, but not living life to the fullest. I was watching the world around me and wishing I could participate. It was kind of an accident that started it all started to change. I have been a jeep girl ever since my dad bought me my first two door wrangler when I was 16. I drove it all over the woods and back country roads. I learned to drive off road. I eventually had to buy a new jeep. Her name is Rosie and she is bad ass. So here’s how it went down. I am part of a jeep club here in Tampa. I attended an event called trucks on the track. It is where trucks and jeeps can drive across a motocross track. I initially was just there to watch, too nervous to try it myself. I watched for a while and someone said I should go for it. So I told myself, I know how to drive through anything. Do it! Long story short, I killed that track. Something got ahold of me and I was filled with adrenaline. I was speeding through the course. Gassing it up the jumps. It felt awesome! Like I was flying. Turns out I was flying and didn’t really know it. When I came back after my runs, people were running up to me with videos where I had had four wheels in the air off a jump! I hadn’t really hadn’t meant to go that hardcore. But it felt good. It felt good to do something adventurous and exciting. I felt like I was alive again. So it began.

I decided that I wanted to challenge myself to do more. To do things I love that make me feel alive and follow through with them no matter how hard they got. I signed up to sing in the Clearwater Chorus. I was pretty nervous the first night showing up all by myself, but I really enjoyed it. I’m an alto. I am also not a soloist. I told myself this, and at that moment I made a decision. If I ever say to myself I can’t do something because I’m afraid, I’m doing it no matter what. So I raised my hand and tried out for a solo. It was bad and I’m not being hard on myself. I was so nervous that it was terrible.  But because no one else tried out for it by default I had to do it. In the end I ended up singing in an amazing Cabaret show in front of hundreds of people. Up front singing a solo! The same stage where the likes of Sheryl Crowe had sang. Pretty cool huh?

Ok, so I concurred that fear. Now what? At this point I was hungry. I was hungry for the rush of over coming fears and how great it feels to succeed. So I got it in my head that I needed to take a trip all by my self somewhere far, doing something adventurous. Pretty much spontaneously right after choir ended, I booked a trip to sail on a schooner, a tall ship the Liberty Clipper out of Nassau, Bahamas. More about that in a second. But in the mean time what was I supposed to do, just wait around? Nope, decided that I needed to finally get scuba certified after years of wanting to. Let me tell you, it was pretty horrible. I had an awful teacher, an awful class, and even worse open water dives. I panicked and almost cried after every class for two weeks. But I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t quit. So I stuck it out and managed to successfully become a certified PADI Open Water Diver. (still a pretty bad diver, but that’s beside the point) I felt so proud, and I still don’t remember saying that about myself before. I guess proud has never been in my vocabulary. It was exhilarating to feel that by working hard and pushing through I could accomplish anything I put my mind to.

So about that sailing trip. All of my thoughts and attention had been put into the scuba certification, so I barely had any time to even think about the trip and it was like a week and a half later! But you know what. This time it was different. I feel no nervousness. No fear. I was actually excited! Couldn’t wait to cross another thing off my bucket list! When the time came, I flew to Nassau all by myself. Managed to find a taxi, the dock and the ship, as well as figure out the weird down town bus system. When it was time to board the ship I couldn’t wait to meet the people I was going on this journey with. There were people from all over the country of all ages. From 20’s to 80’s. Everyone had this amazing spirit. A spirit of wanting to take in life. Have an adventure. Travel to places most people have never see. It was called an “ish” trip. As in there were no set destinations or ports of call. We were just going to sail “southish” or “eastish” depending on the wind and seas. I loved that about it! Just sailing around the Bahamas with no plans, no schedule, and feeling so free. There’s no better feeling that to be under full sails flying across the water with no land in sight, surrounded by water. It was so relaxing. I saw some amazing spots. Places you can only get to by boat. Small islands with untouched beaches. I had the opportunity to stand at The Glass Window, where the Caribbean meets the Atlantic. One side calm beautiful turquoise water and the other powerful navy blue waves. It was breath taking. On the same island there is this place called the Moon Pools. They are some incredible tidal pools on the Atlantic side carved out by years of water. There was also a cave and beautiful rock formations. Thing is. It’s all down hill over really sharp coral. I not hike! I fall on things and am clumsy. I may be from WV, but I’m not a hiker. It scares the crap out of me. And this place was steep! But I did it again, said I was too scared to hike down. You should know now what that means. I forced myself foot by foot down the cliff. Stopping and saying ok that’s enough, but pushed on further and further, telling myself that I would never be there again and if I didn’t make it down I could regret it later. Eventually I made it all the way down! The view was totally worth it! It was a powerful sight. A true place of natural beauty. I sat down on a rock inside of the cave and took it all in. Took in the fact that I faced my fears and again saw a huge reward. I felt thankful. Thankful for all that I had done over the last few months and thankful for everything the future has for me.

I am truly blessed. If you told me 2 years ago I would have done these things I would have told you that you were crazy. Fear is the devil. It’s the voice on your shoulder telling you that you will fail, that you’re not good enough, that you haven’t succeed in the past so why now. I’m telling you this. Ignore it. Push past it. If I can do it after so many years living in constant fear, you can too. It doesn’t have to be huge steps, just make one small decision and go from there. Tell yourself that life is worth living and there’s a whole world to see, even if it’s right beyond your front door. I surprised a whole lot of people these last six months. Some questioned if I was manic. I laughed and told them no. I had decided to live life again.

These are a few of my favorite things…..

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I’m too much in my head today. Got too serious. Here are a list of things that make me happy in no particular order!!

Kittens, kisses, swimming, turtles, sunshine, hugs, beaches, racerback tank  tops, mermaids, flip flops, my best friends, nail polish, pizza, jeeps, Mexico, Pepsi, dancing, palm trees, bathing suits, singing, sailings, journals, reading, art, sewing and of course my Charlie!!