Tonight is just for me. Tonight is spending time alone thinking of the things that make me happy, thinking about the people who make me happy, and focusing on what’s beautiful in my life. I will not lie it’s been a hell of a month. Too many ups and downs. But tonight I turned my music on, organized all my favorite things I keep on my desk, lit a candle, and got lost in my memories. Having had trauma, there are so many dangerous memories that I’m constantly trying to avoid, subjects I tip toe around, images that I have blocked from memory. In combination of blocking a lot of memories in my life and the memory loss associated with my medication, I tend to not always remember the happy times as vividly. Tonight, I kicked back and let my self remember. I hold my photos so dear to me. Asides from my journals they are my most precious possessions. I spent a long time tonight looking specifically at the last four years in my life in photos. I’ve had some amazing times, but more importantly I’ve been blessed to share some special moments with amazing people. I’ve been scrolling through my very obsessively organized folders and just smiling and smiling. There have been times when I didn’t think I would live. There were times I thought my life had completely fallen apart. But it didn’t and these memories are what reminds me that the beautiful moments will out shine those bad ones. I hold on tight to beautiful friends and to those preciously captured moments. I never thought while taking a quick selfie, that that moment would bring me joy for years to come. In these pictures I feel love, I feel excitement, I feel joy. This quiet uneventful night I feel the sum of all these moments.
You might be stuck in hell right now, your terrible memories might be holding you hostage. You can’t remember anything good, but trust me the light will come. Those photos that you snapped, those selfies with friends, those will be the memories that will last. You’ll have saved the amazing memories and the bad ones, well they will slowly fade into the background. One day you’ll be sitting at home on a boring Tuesday night, and you’ll realize that you only see the beautiful memories anymore.