Freedom

I feel so different now. I’ve been working really hard with my councilor lately. Most of the work has been on the alters. I have out grown one of them, the little girl. So I had to set her free. I decided I would plant a gardenia in her owner and set her free from my life. She’s been with me 25 years and it was time for me to move on. With the help of Greg, I planted the beautiful sweet smelling gardenia in our back yard by the pool. This is what I read:

Today, I plant this tree for you my innocent ones. You are so loved, but have been put through horrible pain. This tree is a symbol of strength and growth. I have grown up now and my life is good. When you were hurt it, it stole something from all of us. Something we couldn’t get back. We thought our lives were ruined forever. But this is not the case. I’m 30 years old now and I have a happy life full of love and support. I found a man who loves me, who loves you, that protects me and supports me 100%. We don’t have to worry about our safety any longer. My husband will be by my side always and forever, fighting my battle right along side of me. My parents have changed. They also love and support me. They have realized their mistakes and have truly made amends. I know you feel trapped and stuck in a time of pain and fear, but we’re not there any longer. It’s time to let go. It’s time to end your suffering. I’m safe and loved. Be free young ones. Fly away to a place of peace. I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me, but it’s time to let go. I will always love you and remember the lessons you’ve taught me. I’ve grown up to me a strong loving tough woman. Maybe these aren’t the dreams you had for me, but life has given me more than I could have ever hoped for. Please trust me on this and let go. Stay with this tree when you wish. Smell the flowers and know I have grown deep roots to keep me safe. I love you both. Fly free and be at peace.

 

We then said some Orthodox prayers for healing and I drank some Holy Water. I felt at peace. But I also felt an emptiness inside. A void. It gradually sunk in that she was actually gone. I will most certainly miss her, but it was time to free her and allow me to heal. What came next was interesting. The mother also left. She was an alter that was very closely tied to the little girl, so I guess I didn’t need her anymore either. Now it’s time to handle some hard stuff, the teenage is front and center, so she’s up next. I am feeling very dedicated to the healing process of my DID. I want a normal life again. This all started 15 years ago and it’s time to move on. I want a family and do normal family things. I want to live without constant anxiety and dissociating. I’m getting there, but there’s a lot still to be done. But I’m not quitting like I have in the past. I will not stop fighting until I’ve won and have the life I long to have.