I’ve been following paths and walking down strange hallways. I’m in search of something. It feels like a mystery story. I keep following clues that just lead me to more questions. So far I’ve linked unknown variables to when I was five, ten, and fifteen. There’s much more to it than that and many more events to fit into the picture. I’m working on the black thing, but a specific photograph keeps haunting me. I was five years old. There’s some thing eerie to me about it, but I can’t figure out why. I need more answers.
I’ve been kinda busy. Busy battling an alter. I’ve been fighting not to give in and dissociate. It’s a black evil thing. My alters have always tried to help me, but this one crossed the line. He is built up of every bit of anger I’ve ever had my entire life that I’ve never expressed or let myself feel. He’s become too powerful. He’s trying to consume me or make me hurt myself. I’ve had enough. Last week I was seriously consider checking myself into a hospital. Something I never consider. I was scared and was being pushed over the edge. But I decided to fight. I made a painting of him to get part of him out of my head. I talked to my therapist and showed it to her. Then I kept thinking how to beat him. It came to me while laying in bed with Greg. I needed to let the anger out slowly. Steal his power. I told Greg everything that had made me angry ever. It felt so good. Later I had a conversation with a friend and told him how he had made me angry. Again something I never go. I was beginning to see how I could win this battle. I’m going to learn how to constructively get angry and maybe deal with past problems too. I’m currently at my mom’s and feeling pretty good this week. Just need to keep working on this when I get home. But I will win.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. But there’s good reason for that. I was busy living. I kept hoping I’d get to a point where I had something important to blog about, but things kept changing and rolling on. A lot has happened, but I won’t bore you with all the details, just a few. Greg and I just got back from an anniversary trip to Key West. It couldn’t have come at a better time. We’ve missed each other with all his traveling and needed some us time. We needed to celebrate the 9 years of marriage we have fought so very hard for. He’s my best friend, but so much more than that. We’re connected to each other in a very unique and special way. So we had such a great time, but now it’s Monday and he’s back to traveling for work. So since I’m skipping a lot of other details I’ll, just tell you where I’m at now. I finally feel like myself again. Which is actually a hard thing for me to recognize. It’s been many years since I’ve felt like this. The last few years have been filled with many mood changes and life changes. I finally feel like I’ve fought to get to a place where I’m just me. I feel happy for the little things. I feel sad when sad things happen. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I feel, well I just feel at peace with myself. My crazy brain has given me a reprieve. A break from the madness. But it’s a break I have fought hard for. When things get tough, I fight even harder. I don’t let myself stay in bed. Instead I push and I push and get things done. It’s a healthy coping mechanism. A new one. One that really helps make my life much easier to live. So yeah, the meds are doing their job and I’m doing mine and I won’t call what I am normal, but I will call it me.