Lessons Learned

As I said in my previous post, it’s been a rough time lately. But I’ve learned a few things. The first is I can take care of myself no matter what. Even in my darkest hour, I still managed to do the best thing given the situation. I know that when I’m manic I can do everything and take on the world, but when I get depressed I lose confidence and get really clingy towards Greg. And Greg is a nurturer. It makes him happy to take care of me and does things for me without even thinking about it. In short, even if I try to do something on my own he jumps in and rescues me. He’s always rescued me. Of course that was before he went off to Iraq and I had to be self sufficient. Since he’s been back we’ve fallen back into the same routine of him saving the day all the time. I love being taken care of so it kinda works, but sometimes I miss knowing that when shit hits the fan and I’m all alone that I can handle it. I know this now. I think it helps that he’s gone so much. It’s a nice balance of independence and dependance.

I’ve also learned that a lot of the time I wish I was still manic. It felt so much better than this. I felt so alive and vibrant. But on the down side, mania is destructive. Yet, I still cling to the little pieces of mania I have left. Talking to certain people, fantasizing about memories, trying to still feel beautiful. I’m afraid to let go. It’s like I think they will keep me from depression. I miss all the attention I got, I miss never feeling alone. But this brings me to my next point.

You never know what’s going to happen next. You have to just go with the flow with this disease. Unexpected things happen all the time and you can’t even imagine what weird thing will happen next. With that being said, you can prepare yourself and have your loved ones prepare themselves for general trends in moods. You have to look at the patterns that occur with each different mood and try to find a way to be prepared to deal with them. Say I start to get manic. For me this means I will spend a ton of money, I will get hyper sexual and want to have sex with all men, I’ll stop sleeping, and I’ll get more creative. Greg, my therapist, and I will have to look at each of these symptoms and decided how to best deal with them. It’s not going to be pretty if anyone completely tries to stop me from doing any of these things. That’s why you need a diversion. Work with your support team and try to make a plan. This goes for depression too.

Ive also learned I’m strong and tough. I never give up and fight as long as I can. You are also stronger than you know, so never stop fighting the good fight.

Just a little updating

I thought I’d write a little update about what’s been happening in my life. After the lithium debacle things were ok for a few days. Greg went out of town and I thought I could get the house ready for my dad’s visit and relax. Well I got the house ready, but I did not relax. Enter the Zoloft debacle. I guess it’s not uncommon to experience side effects a week or so after starting an SSRI. What I wasn’t expecting was having the worst panic attacks in my life, and that’s saying something. It happened in the evenings. My heart would start to pound and I’d get dizzy and feel anxious, but then the trembling would start. My legs felt like they turned to jello and were shaking so uncontrollably that I could barely walk. I was hyperventilating at this point and was scared I was going to faint. And I was all alone and completely terrified. I was sure I was going to die. I considered calling 911, but thought maybe I should check my blood sugar first. I did and it was fine. Which freaked me out even worse, because now I had no clue what was wrong. My mind wasn’t racing, but my body was inĀ  full on panic which was why I was convinced I was going to die. All I could do was crawl into bed, take a sleeping pill and a double dose of anxiety meds, and pray I didn’t die in my sleep. I’ve never been so scared. Well, obviously I woke up in the morning and felt fine except for being rattled about the night before. I did some research and assured my self that it was just a horrible panic attack and I was going to be fine. But unlike the lithium I didn’t drop my dose. I’d read that it takes time to adjust, so I better just suck it up and get through it. I had a few more really bad attacks in the following days, but I think that taking clonapin in the middle of the day helped stave off a few more. I’m doing ok now, but damn that sucked. Had a good visit with Dad and my stepmom. I even randomly a few days ago decided I needed a kitten. I got a cute little black and white girl I named Emmelia, Emme for short. I’ve never had a kitten and it’s simply amazingly fun! I have learned some lessons in all of this but I’ll get to that in another post.

I just heard tonight that I might have a few new readers out there. Hi Readers!! Please comment and let me know who you are and tell me what you think about all this bipolar madness!