“Everybody knows there is no such thing as normal. There is no black-and-white definition of normal. Normal is subjective. There’s only a messy, inconsistent, silly, hopeful version of how we feel most at home in our lives.”
For a very long time I have been brutally battling the bipolar disorder and all her demons. It’s been one hell of a fight. Yet lately, I have been in this mental space that I haven’t been to in a long long time. I’ve been able to study for a certification, sleep enough, get exercise, I read a whole book for the first time in way over a year, I pick up the house, etc, etc. I’m doing things that need done and doing things I enjoy that are healthy for me. My mind has been very clear.
This week has truly been great. It’s been full of all the things I love best. 4 days with an amazing assortment of friends, lots of writing, reading, and sunshine.
I honestly think something’s wrong. This is too normal. Too healthy. Shouldn’t I be doing something dangerous or inappropriate? I’m scared. I don’t know who I am when I’m like this. It has been too long, I’ve forgotten.
I talked to my therapist about this of course. She encouraged me to embrace this time when things are calm and to try to continue to make safe decisions. After talking to her, I felt like maybe I have some control over my life back. That feels so good.
So I’m going to embrace this normal period in my life. Now don’t get me wrong. I agree with Tori, normal is subjective. So what’s normal for me might be insanely crazy for you or weird or abnormal. But I can’t worry about you. I plan on doing what’s best for Beth each day. I also need to stop worrying about what is wrong and focus on what feels right to me. I think it’s about damn time I start trusting myself again.