Hanging from a Ledge

For a long time now I’ve been holding on so tightly to pieces of mania. I had hoped by continuing to have manic thoughts and actions that it would keep me safe from the hold of depression. It stopped working. It didn’t feel the same anymore. There was no excited thrilling feelings. I just felt empty inside. I was going through the motions of mania without having the feelings. In fact, things were getting worse and worse because of it. It feel so wrong and grimy and yucky. It was getting too confusing. One second I’d be doing inappropriate things or spending money I didn’t have, the next I’d be shaking in tears filled with anxiety and pain.I felt like I was hanging from a ledge by my finger tips refusing to fall. I fought as hard as I could, but I finally grew tired and let go.  I decided to give into the depression. In a weird way it was a relief. I could stop fighting what was happening, accept it, and work to make it better. I went to the psychiatrist yesterday after having a horrible last few days filled with arguments and crying and dissociation. When I go to the pdoc, there is usually a long wait. I cant figure out why I have to wait for an hour. But anyway while I was there I made this list hoping it would help me when I talked to my doctor.

Reasons why I know I’m depressed.

  • I’m still wearing half my pajamas
  • I don’t remember the last time I washed the shorts I’m wearing.
  • I just want to lay in bed with my stuffed animals and watch crap tv.
  • The thought of food makes me nauseous.
  • I wish I could sleep forever.
  • I’ve forgotten that men exist.
  • I hurt all the time.
  • I obsess about death.
  • Every little things sets me off into a downward spiral.
  • After a period of normal I started rapid cycling and then crashed.
  • I’m constantly dissociating to deal with the pain.
  • I’m taking more anxiety meds.
  • I feel hopeless and scared.
  • I’m just so sad.
  • I pick fights with people pushing them to leave me or get mad.
  • I’m so terrified that I’ll stay in bed forever again.
  • I can’t do this again. I just can’t.

I read him some of this list after convincing him that there indeed was a list in my phone. (He is technologically challenged.) And then it all started to fall together. There’s nothing wrong with me except that my brain chemicals aren’t working right. It makes me pick fights, it makes me dissociate, it makes me cry hysterically, it makes me feel like hurting myself, and it makes me think I’m losing my mind. I’m not. I’m just sick and depression is just another way my brain shows me that I’m sick. I immediately felt relief. He prescribed me another med and upped another one. Thankfully, because I’ve been through depression before, I’m catching the signs and symptoms quicker each time. I went and got help before I completely crashed and spent another year in bed. I’ll never do that again. I’ll fight with every ounce of my being to not get stuck in bed.

I just want a normal life. Nothing extreme, fancy, or intense. Just average. I want to be able to do laundry, write, help others, and have great friends. Hopefully I can work towards one day having most of my time spent in this place. But until then, I fight. And I don’t ever stop fighting. This is my life and it’s worth it.

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