That’s right readers I’m going to Vegas! But don’t get too excited, because it’s with Greg for a work trip and my Dad and step-mom are coming along cause they want to see some rocks and lakes and shit. But since we are already going to be in Vegas I came up with the brilliant idea that Greg and I should renew our vows with Elvis!! Amazing right! OK, fine. We all know I got immediately vetoed on this by Greg with something about sanctity of our marriage, the orthodox church, Elvis is actually dead, blah, blah, blah. But I thought maybe it might be good to write some new vows since when we got married we were young and idealistic and stupid.
Dee deee de deeee. Doo doo do dooooo!! Here comes the bride, it’s too late to hide!! And so now with no further adieu our vows/promises to each other if Greg would actually let this happen with Elvis. And are now more currently relevant and matured.
G: I promise to always make sure you have a roof over your head and food on the table.
B: Greg, you are sucking at this already. You already promised me that shit.
G: Fine, I promise that I will make enough money so that you can keep your shopping down to a low roar.
B: I vow to keep my spending to a low roar, unless it’s so perfect that I have to have it and then I’ll try to rationalize it for you.
G: I promise to never scream at you ever again for messing up.
B: I promise that when I mess up I will always be honest with you.
G: Can you maybe not tell me all the details?
B: Yes, and I vow to try very hard not to get it on with other men when I’m crazy.
G: Can’t you just vow to not do it ever anyway?
B: I vow to not let my alters be completely slutty.
G: I vow to love all of you and you’re crazy alters.
B: Hey they aren’t crazy and by the way they vow to love you forever.
G: Can you vow to maybe do some wifely things?
B: Yes, I vow to cook you a meal a least once a month.
B: Once every two months.
G: That’s more realistic.
B: Stay on task! I vow to be patient with you and make you laugh every single day.
G: I promise to work on my vocal inflection so you know what I mean with my feeling words.
B: I promise to never give up on us no matter how messy, complicated, tough, or insane things get.
G: I promise to never give up, run away, or make you feel unimportant. I vow that I will give everything I have to make you happy and safe.
Wow. Those were totally better than the original. I love us!