Feelings

Sometimes I get so caught up in naming bipolar moods that I forget that in the midst of that real life exists. In real life, mental illness doesn’t always play a factor in how you feel. Things happen that make you happy, make you sad, break your heart and they aren’t related to any crazy mood disorder. The thing about these feelings is the intensity feels off. They hurt, but not in an extreme fake way that quickly passes. In real life the things that make us happy and sad linger longer than when we’re sick. I wish I could explain it better, but the same feelings feel so different. You also want them to be deeper and more complex. But no! Sometimes things just hurt because something happened or didn’t happen that sucked. When you’re happy, you’re constantly questioning if it’s the start of mania. You can’t even enjoy the good things, because you get so paranoid.
Tonight I couldn’t be funny or amusing. Tonight I’m not manic or depressed. Tonight I feel a little bit heartbroken and a lot of discouraged. I needed an outlet for my normal feelings tonight. Sometimes life gets really overwhelming all of a sudden. Things you once thought change and life twists and turns out of your control. In a normal range of feelings, I’m feeling confused and frustrated. And it’s scary because unlike manic or depressed thoughts these are not fleeting. I also haven’t developed tools to deal with extreme emotions in a normal way. I’m making problems bigger than they need to be, because I’m scared of the real ones. It’s like i’m an emotional onion and I need to peel back the layers to get to the heart of the problem. I’m almost there, but am not sure what lies in the center. And most importantly, mental illnesses aside, life is sometimes just really freaking hard.

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