Feelings

Sometimes I get so caught up in naming bipolar moods that I forget that in the midst of that real life exists. In real life, mental illness doesn’t always play a factor in how you feel. Things happen that make you happy, make you sad, break your heart and they aren’t related to any crazy mood disorder. The thing about these feelings is the intensity feels off. They hurt, but not in an extreme fake way that quickly passes. In real life the things that make us happy and sad linger longer than when we’re sick. I wish I could explain it better, but the same feelings feel so different. You also want them to be deeper and more complex. But no! Sometimes things just hurt because something happened or didn’t happen that sucked. When you’re happy, you’re constantly questioning if it’s the start of mania. You can’t even enjoy the good things, because you get so paranoid.
Tonight I couldn’t be funny or amusing. Tonight I’m not manic or depressed. Tonight I feel a little bit heartbroken and a lot of discouraged. I needed an outlet for my normal feelings tonight. Sometimes life gets really overwhelming all of a sudden. Things you once thought change and life twists and turns out of your control. In a normal range of feelings, I’m feeling confused and frustrated. And it’s scary because unlike manic or depressed thoughts these are not fleeting. I also haven’t developed tools to deal with extreme emotions in a normal way. I’m making problems bigger than they need to be, because I’m scared of the real ones. It’s like i’m an emotional onion and I need to peel back the layers to get to the heart of the problem. I’m almost there, but am not sure what lies in the center. And most importantly, mental illnesses aside, life is sometimes just really freaking hard.

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love

That’s right readers I’m going to Vegas! But don’t get too excited, because it’s with Greg for a work trip and my Dad and step-mom are coming along cause they want to see some rocks and lakes and shit. But since we are already going to be in Vegas I came up with the brilliant idea that Greg and I should renew our vows with Elvis!! Amazing right! OK, fine. We all know I got immediately vetoed on this by Greg with something about sanctity of our marriage, the orthodox church, Elvis is actually dead, blah, blah, blah. But I thought maybe it might be good to write some new vows since when we got married we were young and idealistic and stupid.
Dee deee de deeee. Doo doo do dooooo!! Here comes the bride, it’s too late to hide!! And so now with no further adieu our vows/promises to each other if Greg would actually let this happen with Elvis. And are now more currently relevant and matured.

G: I promise to always make sure you have a roof over your head and food on the table.
B: Greg, you are sucking at this already. You already promised me that shit.
G: Fine, I promise that I will make enough money so that you can keep your shopping down to a low roar.
B: I vow to keep my spending to a low roar, unless it’s so perfect that I have to have it and then I’ll try to rationalize it for you.
G: I promise to never scream at you ever again for messing up.
B: I promise that when I mess up I will always be honest with you.
G: Can you maybe not tell me all the details?
B: Yes, and I vow to try very hard not to get it on with other men when I’m crazy.
G: Can’t you just vow to not do it ever anyway?
B: I vow to not let my alters be completely slutty.
G: I vow to love all of you and you’re crazy alters.
B: Hey they aren’t crazy and by the way they vow to love you forever.
G: Can you vow to maybe do some wifely things?
B: Yes, I vow to cook you a meal a least once a month.
G:….
B: Once every two months.
G: That’s more realistic.
B: Stay on task! I vow to be patient with you and make you laugh every single day.
G: I promise to work on my vocal inflection so you know what I mean with my feeling words.
B: I promise to never give up on us no matter how messy, complicated, tough, or insane things get.
G: I promise to never give up, run away, or make you feel unimportant. I vow that I will give everything I have to make you happy and safe.

Wow. Those were totally better than the original. I love us!

Amish Paradise

So here’s another one from the Greg and Beth are weird file.

(We were talking about how his job majorly sucks for both of us right now)

G: Maybe I should just become an amish farmer.
B: Does that mean I get to be the farmer’s wife?
B: Hey, there’s an idea. If i get manic again, this time we should just send me to live with the amish people. I couldn’t get into too much trouble there.
G: You don’t think beards are attractive?
B: I bet the men wouldn’t be very good with personal hygiene.
G: I dunno. They probably take a bath every two weeks whether they need it or not.
B: I mean like manscaping. It would probably be pretty scary down there.
G: No, they just shape it in the same shape as their beard.
B: LOL. Gross! I bet I could corrupt one though.
G: I have no doubt that you probably would, but I bet it would be pretty boring.
B: You never know. They could maybe be under cover kinky.
G: Kinky for them is getting up at 5:30am instead of 5:00am.
B: I’d just like to point out that we’re having a conversation about me having sex with amish people.
G: Hmmmm.

And now for your viewing pleasure, Weird Al’s Amish Paradise.

Trigger Warning- Literally

*I’m going to briefly mention firearms in this post. I don’t want to trigger anyone so if talking about firearms upsets anyone read no further.*

So I just got back from girls gun camp. That’s not what it was called, but we’re going with it. Like I said in my previous post I was scared half to death. I didn’t want to go right before it came time, but I sucked it up and went anyway. And now I’m back home in one piece. And boy am I glad I went through with it. It was one of the best experiences in my life. I learned lessons that I never even dreamed I’d learn. Not just shooting skills either, real important life lessons.

I had the privilege of spending 8 days with some of the most amazing women I’ve ever met. They were down to earth, strong, and confident. And they were real. There wasn’t one diva or bitchy girl in the entire group. It made for such a pleasant positive atmosphere. I was actually the youngest woman there, so it was pretty cool to spend time chatting with older wiser women. They all had so much to share, but surprisingly I felt like I had a lot to share as well. Aside for learning how to shoot a bunch of firearms better, I learned that I need to love and accept myself for who I am and what I have to offer. No one there cared that I didn’t work or didn’t have a degree. They loved me for me. Why is it that we are our own biggest critics most of the time? If we just take the time to look inside our self and see what others see, we’d probably be surprised. No one judged each other by how we looked, so why am I spending so much energy on my outward appearance. Now part of it is that I love being girlie and I paint my face, toes, fingers and other parts just for fun. But a small part of it is because I think other people…..well shit…. I can’t finish this sentence, because I have no idea what I’m trying to prove to other people. Hmm. Interesting. Regardless, I’ve been looking deep inside myself and seeing the good in me and seeing that I’m funny, loving, kind, generous, and smart. See ya’ll it’s ok to list our good traits. It doesn’t make us cocky. It makes us confident and comfortable with who we are.

Confidence. It’s something that I really thought a lot about last week. There women really exuded an air of confidence. Now I know that everyone has their insecurities, but for the most part they were all so secure. Because of this, there was no bitches, or divas, or other nasty women. Everyone was so nice to each other and supportive and encouraging all week long. When one of us had success, we all cheered for them and praised them. Instead of competing and putting each other down with backhanded comments, we supported each other and praised each other for being so kick ass awesome. REFRESHING!!! I’ve decided these are the kind of people I need to have in my life. Confident, supportive people. People who will raise me up, not tear me down. People who I can learn from and look up to. People with a loving spirit. And in no way were they ever judgmental. For being with a group of all very conservative women, they were some of the most open minded people I’ve met.

I also learned that I need to be more independent. I’m so stinking proud of myself for going through with all of this. When you step outside the box, you never know what you are going to find. I found things I never even dreamed that I would. I found 3 girl friends who I spent the week with. I was alone the first night and an older woman walked in. I asked if she was with the women’s groups and she said yes. We had dinner together that night and every meal after that. The first day we picked up two more ladies. The four of us were inseparable. It was more than I dreamed of. I was just hoping that people didn’t think I was a complete weirdo. But they actually loved me and became the best of friends. Thank you R, M, and M for being truly amazing. I love you lots!

I’ve been truly blessed to have had this week of girl time. It gives me hope that I can have women friends who are like me and will like me for who I am. I need to move forward keeping this attitude and start doing things I’m passionate about. I need to call the lady back from the rape crisis hotline and I need to get myself to a shooting range or course once a week. These are my goals and I plan on sticking to them.