It’s been a pretty insane weekend. All good things just super busy running around, hanging out with friends, and working on home projects. When I was hanging out this weekend, my friend’s wife mentioned that she had read all my blogs. She said it sounded like, “I hate Greg, I love Greg, I’m leaving Greg, Greg’s for sure going to leave me, then I hate Greg then love him again.” Then she asked if he had read the blogs and I said of course he had and she was shocked. This all surprised me very much. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it did. I guess I know how I feel deep down, but depending on my mood/bipolar state I think of Greg in many different ways. But never for one second do I ever imagine my life without him in it.
From the beginning of our relationship there have been challenges. In the very beginning I had to tell him about the PTSD and sexual abuse issues and the problems they caused. He didn’t even flinch. We had been living together since pretty much day 1, and about 5 months into our relationship I had to go into intensive trauma therapy. Every day I came home completely exhausted and emotionally spent. He fed me and put me into bed and comforted me. And this is a 20 year old male here we’re talking about. Again, he didn’t even flinch. For some reason, he decided to keep me and we got engaged and then married. In August it will be 9 years. We’ve been through a ton in that time. Two mental illnesses with numerous manic and depressive episodes, a 1000 mile away move, my parents divorce, me getting diabetes, 20 months of being separated by more than 7000 miles with him working his ass off in Iraq, and sooooo much more.
Here’s the thing. We are best friends. We tell each other everything. We communicate. We cannot however have a relationship that looks and sounds like everyone else’s. Our lives are different. We have to view certain things in a way that might not make sense to everyone else. When I’m manic, I want nothing to do with him and want everything to do with other men. This happens every single manic episode. We had to learn to deal with it. I get angry with him and act like I hate him when I’m manic. Again, it happens every manic episode. When I’m depressed, I get clingy and needy. It happens every time. I can’t stand 3 seconds of him not being around when I’m depressed. Again, it always happens. We have learned to adapt. He knows that I will love him until the day I die. He has faith that when I’m having a hateful day that it’s just the illness and I’ll pull through and act lovingly and often apologetically in end.
Somethings won’t ever change and somethings will evolve and grow over time. My views on marriage, sex, self worth, and my other life choices aren’t normal. They mean different things to us. But we work around it. We have an enormous about of trust in our love, in our partnership, in our marriage. I’m sure a lot of people may wonder how in the world we are still married, and will probably still be asking that 50 years from now when we’re still married and I’m manic off being an ancient cougar hitting on the pool boy.
The most important thing is to be secure with yourselves and be totally honest. We know who we are and love ourselves no matter what shape we’re in. If you can think like that then screw what the world thinks and just be happy when you can be happy and hang on to each other when it sucks. And if you are feeling hateful to each other, back off and give each other some space. And that bull shit about never going to bed mad, well it doesn’t work. It just ends up in exhausting screaming. Just go to sleep, it won’t seem so bad in the morning.
And one day if you are really super lucky your husband will buy cowboy boots and a hat, and wear them with jeans and a button down shirt. And you will realize that you’re husband is smokin’ again and you can hit on him all day and that fixes a lot too.
Greg- I love ya. Thanks for always accepting me for the crazy strange amazing person that I am. You’re my rock. And my little brown box of course.
*This was written at like 4am when I couldn’t sleep. Sorry if it makes no sense.