New

First off I’m very excited because i downloaded lion and i have new photobooth options available now. Like the birdies flying around my head in above pic.  That’s kinda how i feel right now. I started a new med this week. it’s been a doozy. I kinda feel like it’s a narcotic even though it’s a mood stabilizer. really weird. tired and dizzy and out of it, but not in a bad, angry, or scary mood so far. i accidentally did pull a chemical overload on myself the other night though. We were out to dinner with friends so i thought i’d have a small glass of red wine. well then i wanted a coke later. Keep in mind this is a long fancy pants kinda meal. In the dessert room I not only had well dessert but a cafe con leche. I was vibrating and feeling kinda tipsy at this point. it was like i had drank vodka and redbulls  and had maybe gotten stoned all night with out any of the physical side effects. Not something I would ever do now, but i felt great! LOL poor poor greg. it was his birthday and i was giggling and could not hold still and was in this wonderful feel good place. He was full and tired. which i should have been but us being us the stars were not aligning. So caffeine has never effected me before and i’ve been able to have one drink on any medication i’ve ever been on. Maybe the blood sugar played a factor. who knows, but i was feeling great. i usually can sleep once i’ve taken my nightly cocktail of ambian and klonipin but not last night i was wired and couldn’t sleep. today i feel kinda crappy though. really tired drugged drowsy. eventually i convinced myself to leave the house around 2:30. all was going well for a while. hung out with a friend and then went to run errands. that’s when i realized i was having a real problem. i stopped at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and used their bathroom while i was there. I hung my purse up on the hook on the back of the door and well it looked back at me. yes, my purse had grown a face and was looking at me. it was time to go home. but i’m not that smart so i finished my errands and then went home. all the while trying to not look at anything that could turn into a face. I’m working on a project hopefully you can see with images why being me is so fun.

back to normal?

The last 2 months have been…interesting. Greg and I have spent A LOT of time together. We took a pretty failed trip to mexico where we were very awkward and internally seething. Right after that we drove up north. IN the car together fora total of about 40 hours, alone. honestly it was the best part of both trips for us. We were forced to talk and talk about a lot of the feelings we’ve been having and not talked about. We listened to music that reminded us or past and how happy it made us to sing together and share music. But i still cant handle his bluegrass.

We’ve been going to marriage therapy. how could we not after being away from each so long? plus there were extra issues because i was being well…a slut during my manic and hypo manic phases that followed all the while him being so far away. This might sound odd, but he didn’t seem to get upset about it as much as i thought he would. I thought i was going to be homeless on of the streets living under a bridge. Nope, instead he chose an even more infuriating way, he remained calm. yelled zero times and didn’t question me once. even ones you thought were given questions that needed answered. for the first few weeks i was so nervous that i would get blasted with questions at any point or suddenly screamed at to get out. we kept talking and have enjoyed spending time together. I feel more secure with our relationship now. it’s not near perfect for a lot of reasons, but i know he’ll ways love me and want to be with me regardless of my illness and their ramifications. and i will love him and will do anything I can to make him happy  The best thing i can do for both us is work on myself and not give up on figuring this all out until it’s not affecting every second of my life.

I got a second therapist to help me with my problems. She has been trained in PTSD therapy as well as managing bi-polar disorder. I’ve seen her twice. it will take sometime to build up trust in the relationship, but i think i like her. She cares. She really does. She was talking with the alters and is trying to connect with mom and help her comfort me in more ways. and that unconditional love is possible.

Random thought–. As i was writing all this i kept getting the voice of an alter telling me how they wanted it written. And something struck me. We might actually work together. they have their own connection between them selves, why not with me? i do tend to get into a lot of different moods; girlie; independent; sexy, nurturing. Not extreme moods just slight changes like normal people. can i control them with the power of my connection. can i stop them from being so strong by blocking them access to me? Interesting thought.

so greg left friday and i completely freaked out. i mentally went to some pretty crazy places for the next few days. had one really horrible bad bad day. and then a series of events occurred that put me in such a bad place i couldn’t stand it any more. I was done not being in control of my life and got rid of some things that were causing me to be emotionally dysfunctional. after having a talk with greg the night before where he spoke to me in a way that was what i have been waiting for in a long time. he told me what to do. i felt safe and protected and not as scared. i hope he keeps being like this. it makes me happy.

Ive been good the last few days. taking care of business. trying to stay busy. some how keep missing my friends down here. they haven’t been able to be around as much lately. that makes things really hard for my when greg is gone. I need support when he’s gone. more of it somehow. I miss my bestie forever friends. Everyone I love is just so damn far. i need to fly up north more. I was for awhile, but stopped because of the manic episode. i couldn’t bare to look anyone in the face. but i did it over christmas. we needed to be at home. we needed to see our families. I just feel so isolated most of the time. I can’t work or go to school. SO where am i supposed to find a social life?

Greg’s going to be traveling a lot with his new job. i’m really afraid i’m going to have those compulsive intense angry feelings every time he leave. that’s not good. Danger! maybe i will adjust and we will get in a pattern and i’ll learn to be ok. only time will tell. for now, he comes home saturday and i can’t wait to see him. after that. we will just take life one day at a time.