arrival

Greg arrived last thursday. i was terrified. i spent the previous two weeks freaking out and totally rapid cycling. i was all over the map. i could barely be alone, because that left me with my obsessive thoughts. as you may have deducted from my previous posts, i’ve been through a lot since he’s been gone. a lot of crazy things that might drive a weaker man away. but as soon as i saw him at the airport i knew everything was going to be ok. he is still the same person he was when he left. like it or not.LOL but i truly was so happy to see him. My best friend had come back to me. My favorite person to talk to was at my full disposal. i’ve grown a lot over these almost 2 years. more than i thought was possible. i learned what i was capable of doing, found strength i didn’t know i had, worked though a lot of issues that could have only been worked on being alone, i met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people, but they all had lessons for me. i’m still unsure where i intend to go next and what i intend to do with my life, but greg and i have seemed to recognize in each other who we are and how we can’t change most of that, but that we accept each other for the most part. sure i wish he was more exciting and fun and not always so stable, but why does he have to fill every need in my life. i think he realizes that he can’t. and i realize that his needs are simple and that i should be able to easily keep him happy. it’s not really that complicated. certain things are just going to be put away and not discussed because they don’t need to be. there’s no point and that is something we agree on at the moment. he gives me my freedom and i’ll be there to try to be more of a helpful contributor to the relationship. but he knows that i’ve had my freedom and i don’t intend to give that away. he’s ok with that too.

Saw my psychologist and PDoc today. That was a little over whelming, but i pushed through it and went in to parody mode to deal. i have a twisted sense of humor sometimes,but it’s better than breaking down and sobbing. I will not. Let me repeat. Will not break down and crumble under stress i’ve worked too hard to get the strength that i have to lose it over stress and confusion. i will stay strong I will continue to fight for what i feel is right for my life and i won’t give up. ever. i won’t go back to that place of pity and depression. i can stand on my own two feet. i’m a survivor and since he’s been gone, i have thrived. maybe it seems messy to ones close to me, but i needed to work through un-bipolar related issues that had been there for a long time. i have a great understanding of what i want and don’t want. and what makes me feel good and what doesn’t. and i know i can make choices in these matters. I have the control. there’s still a ton more growing to do and i say bring it on. i can only get better from here.