uncomfortably numb

i’ve fucked up. like a thousand times i fucked up. i tried to write earlier elsewhere. stuff that no one would read but me, but i couldn’t find the flow. i’m numb. cold. scared. shaky. and feeling like a complete ass. i’ve reached my allowable number of screw ups. i’m really insensitive to other people’s feelings. i am selfish. i don’t know what to do about it. after getting a huge serving of brutal honesty last night i realize things that i had previously been too self centered to see. i’m afraid to move. i’m afraid i’ll hurt someone. i’m afraid i’ll do the wrong thing. i’m even afraid to write these words in fear that i’m missing something that i’m doing wrong. i want to curl up in a corner and put my head down and process all of this new information. how can i be so blind? i really don’t get it. i’m not an idiot. i needed to be shaken. i’m so thankful for someone finally being honest with me. i need to hear the truth….thing is. when i’m unstable i don’t think that someone telling my how they feel will effect me. that sucks. i can’t keep saying i’m sorry. it has lost it’s meaning. i just need to keep my mouth shut for awhile and keep my thoughts to myself.

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