the future

my future is uncertain. but i guess that’s a given when you have bipolar disorder. but i honestly think that right now most of the things on my mind have little to do with mental illness. i’ve pulled myself back together again and am beginning to feel some normalcy. i’m pretty happy with the present. i hate change and i hate it even more if i think it’s going to make me unhappy or upset. i have people in my life that make me very happy. there is a schedule a flow to it all. i’m not looking forward to changing all of that when greg gets home. he is supposed to be home the first week in december. at this point i don’t know how i feel about that. i don’t feel like i’m ready. i’m worried that we won’t find a connection again. i just honestly don’t want things to change. i really have enjoyed becoming independent. doing things on my own my own way. i’ve learned how to work through all sorts of problems and crisis situations. i’ve fought a lot of battles and also had a lot of fun along the way. i keep trying to see myself a year from now and just can’t. of course i don’t ever remember being able to either. i need to dig down deep and really try to think positively and know that we can work things out over time. but i’m not going to just let him jump in and fix anything. i have to have some say in what our future holds.

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