i’ve fucked up. like a thousand times i fucked up. i tried to write earlier elsewhere. stuff that no one would read but me, but i couldn’t find the flow. i’m numb. cold. scared. shaky. and feeling like a complete ass. i’ve reached my allowable number of screw ups. i’m really insensitive to other people’s feelings. i am selfish. i don’t know what to do about it. after getting a huge serving of brutal honesty last night i realize things that i had previously been too self centered to see. i’m afraid to move. i’m afraid i’ll hurt someone. i’m afraid i’ll do the wrong thing. i’m even afraid to write these words in fear that i’m missing something that i’m doing wrong. i want to curl up in a corner and put my head down and process all of this new information. how can i be so blind? i really don’t get it. i’m not an idiot. i needed to be shaken. i’m so thankful for someone finally being honest with me. i need to hear the truth….thing is. when i’m unstable i don’t think that someone telling my how they feel will effect me. that sucks. i can’t keep saying i’m sorry. it has lost it’s meaning. i just need to keep my mouth shut for awhile and keep my thoughts to myself.
my future is uncertain. but i guess that’s a given when you have bipolar disorder. but i honestly think that right now most of the things on my mind have little to do with mental illness. i’ve pulled myself back together again and am beginning to feel some normalcy. i’m pretty happy with the present. i hate change and i hate it even more if i think it’s going to make me unhappy or upset. i have people in my life that make me very happy. there is a schedule a flow to it all. i’m not looking forward to changing all of that when greg gets home. he is supposed to be home the first week in december. at this point i don’t know how i feel about that. i don’t feel like i’m ready. i’m worried that we won’t find a connection again. i just honestly don’t want things to change. i really have enjoyed becoming independent. doing things on my own my own way. i’ve learned how to work through all sorts of problems and crisis situations. i’ve fought a lot of battles and also had a lot of fun along the way. i keep trying to see myself a year from now and just can’t. of course i don’t ever remember being able to either. i need to dig down deep and really try to think positively and know that we can work things out over time. but i’m not going to just let him jump in and fix anything. i have to have some say in what our future holds.
i’m alive. that’s the most important thing. how my mental state is is still a toss up. i’m doing ok most of the time. a spent a few weeks freaking out about all that happened during this past manic episode. i was throughly horrified and disgusted with myself. i can’t believe everything that happened. i became a totally different person. now that i’m not manic i’m trying to put my life back together again and figure out who i am and what i want. i cut out all ties to people that i had some how let in my life this summer that are certainly not good to be around. i still get a random text or call, but it’s died down for the most part. but it’s left me incredibly lonely. i hate being alone. i need someone to be around me most of the time. i don’t require a lot of alone time. never have. from the looks of it i have about 2 more months of this too. i don’t want to do it anymore. i’m fed up. but what can i do other that suck it up and do whatever i feel is best to make it easier and as pleasant as possible. maybe things i do sound weird to most of you, but i’ve always done things a little differently that the norm. i don’t really care what anyone else things of me honestly. i care what greg thinks most of the time though. but he gets it better than anyone else. so to sum up, i guess i’m still putting all the pieces back together and finding my footing. i do need to pull it together a little better and take care of my health. better eating more exercise. gotta start that immediately. wish me luck!