in between 2

I keep listening to that song. Listening to the whole album, Minutes to Midnight. For me having bipolar disorder, music has played a big part in my mood. But i’m specific, i can only listen the exact perfect music for the mood or it sounds painful. this song is my mood. i’m in between. i’m pretty sure the major manic episode is over. which for the last week or so is something i’ve been in denial about. mania thinks it feels so good. at the time it does. but it’s like a tornado swirling, wrecking havoc, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.  it’s not until after that you crawl out, come out from cover and take a long long look around, and see all the harm that was done. this time i not only hurt myself, I hurt a lot of other people in my path. i was completely unaware of how i effected people. my family, friends, strangers. i completely neglected relationships, let too many close friends in on things they didn’t need to know, fucked with people’s emotions and used them for pleasure, i was not being to my loved ones the person i normally was.  looking back i’m in sheer disbelief of all the crazy scary things i did. i really could have been killed in so many ways on so many occasions. but i came through alive. but i still feel called from the from beckoning finger of manic seduction. i’m not back to normal. i won’t be for a while. there are still manic habits lingering. some good things came from this episode though. i feel more independent. I again affirmed who my real friends are. i can drive a hell of a lot further than to the grocery store now. i still have the confidence left, but i don’t think it’s false. i’ve gotten surprisingly healthier. i’ve fucked up a lot this summer, but i’m able to still hold true to how i feel about my real true self. i know the things i did weren’t my fault, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling guilt about the hurt i’ve caused.  i just feel so in between. but i’m not sure what comes next. I’m not even sure who i want to be next. it might be time for another better newer different version of beth. i’ve always put myself in a role to play. but they were ones that i was trying out. Someone else’s. This time i’m doing it my way. I’m creating a new story. this time i’m writing it myself.

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