for the first time, i’ve considered taking this blog down. who does it really help anyway. it helps only me. but is it worth it. i write on here as if no one reads this, or i know exactly who does. that’s probably untrue. did anyone really need to read documentation of my manic episode? anyone who cares about me that probably really hurt and worried. is this worth it, or is it just selfish for my to put intimate details out there for anyone to read. how many people have i hurt this time? how many people have been effected by my actions? all i can say is i’m sorry. but even that doesn’t cut it. i didn’t know what else to do. i didn’t know where else to go. it just feels better to get it all out in the open. we all know i don’t do well keeping things to myself. it drives me crazy.
i’m hurting. there are things that i need to apologize for to certain people and i intend to do that, but more importantly i intend to back it up with action.
this last week the bottom dropped out of my mania very suddenly. i thought it had been going away, but it really hadn’t. now for sure it’s done. and it hurts. i just don’t know how it all happened. i’m exhausted and mentally fried after months of racing thoughts. i just want to stay in bed and hide from everything, from everyone.
but i can’t. i have to keep going. pick up the pieces and make things better for myself and those i care about. maybe if i start there the hurt will start to go away.