confusion

i’m really not sure what the heck is going on in my life right now. i’m seriously confused. something is really going to get messed up. i just know it. i can’t keep anything straight. i’m so stressed that i don’t want to eat or get out of bed. it’s not depression. it’s just having a head full of conflicting thoughts. i don’t know what to do. i’ve not been like this for a long long time. i wish i knew what to do or say to fix it. i wish i knew what i wanted. i’m so lonely right now. and i feel like i have to keep it all inside. i’m trying really hard to do what’s right, but i don’t even know what that is right now. September 1st and 2nd are always hard for me. i was raped and had my virginity taken away from me september 1, 1997. it doesn’t hurt as much of course, but it altered the course of my history. it altered they way i viewed men. it altered the way i viewed sex. it changed me forever. having ptsd along with bipolar disorder wrecks havoc when it comes to dealing with relationships. part of me turns emotions completely off and does what ever feels good to hell with everyone else. and the other vulnerable part of me hides and tries to pretend it doesn’t see what’s happening. either way it’s not healthy. when greg’s here he protects me from most of my manic impulses. this summer they just ran wild. i truly believe that this week those so many years ago started this strange path of mental illness. today, i might be feeling kind of weak and confused, but slowly i’ll pull it all together again and be strong. i fight and i fight hard. but i must be honest with myself and honest with others or else i’m not being true to myself. maybe that will get me unconfused. i miss greg so much, aside from all of the unforgivable things i’ve done, he forgives me and understands me. he is so much more than i could have asked for in a partner.

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