memoir

this is a memoir, not a fairy tale. this is my story of my battle with bipolar disorder. last night i was wondering why i do this and then i thought of all the memoirs i have read by authors struggling with bipolar disorder. they were raw, they were real, they were messy. but they were the truth. i have always spoken the truth. at least what i believed it to be at the time. some of these entries are pretty screwed up. i realize that now, but then they were exactly how i was feeling. with bipolar disorder you don’t have the same type of symptoms as other illnesses. there are no tests, no hi blood sugar, no sore joints, no high cholesterol, no tumors or growths. but there are symptoms none the less. these entries document my symptoms and my road to find recovery to fix them. these books i read really helped me. they made me feel less alone. they made me feel less crazy, less like i was the only one going through all of this. so maybe this blog may not have been the most positive reading experience for everyone that has read it, but maybe just maybe it will some day make someone feel like they aren’t crazy and aren’t going through this all alone.

hurt

for the first time, i’ve considered taking this blog down. who does it really help anyway. it helps only me. but is it worth it. i write on here as if no one reads this, or i know exactly who does. that’s probably untrue. did anyone really need to read documentation of my manic episode? anyone who cares about me that probably really hurt and worried. is this worth it, or is it just selfish for my to put intimate details out there for anyone to read. how many people have i hurt this time? how many people have been effected by my actions? all i can say is i’m sorry. but even that doesn’t cut it. i didn’t know what else to do. i didn’t know where else to go. it just feels better to get it all out in the open. we all know i don’t do well keeping things to myself. it drives me crazy.

i’m hurting. there are things that i need to apologize for to certain people and i intend to do that, but more importantly i intend to back it up with action.

this last week the bottom dropped out of my mania very suddenly. i thought it had been going away, but it really hadn’t. now for sure it’s done. and it hurts. i just don’t know how it all happened. i’m exhausted and mentally fried after months of racing thoughts. i just want to stay in bed and hide from everything, from everyone.

but i can’t. i have to keep going. pick up the pieces and make things better for myself and those i care about. maybe if i start there the hurt will start to go away.

fixing things

i couldn’t just sit around and feel upset about shit forever. i did something today that made me feel so much better. i can’t be put into positions where i feel uncomfortable for extended periods of time. i’ll lose it. fixed. thank god. i’m still having issues with being 100% honest with everyone, but i’m realizing some people just don’t need to know everything. actually there are very few that do. shit i don’t even think i can kid myself and say i’m 100% honest with anyone really. but who is. i mean like my parents needed to hear about my illicit adventures this summer. like greg needs to hear every single detail even though i’ve probably told him more than he wanted to hear being 7000 miles away and not being able to do a damn thing about it. sorry greg. but what can i say, you know how i get when i get manic.

i also have purged my phone. it’s what got me in trouble in the first place. well at least it played a huge part. i deleted so much stuff. lol some memories i want to hold onto though. i did have a lot of fun and met some very interesting people. but it’s time to move on to a better place. i’m better than all that.

i’m not where i want to be yet, but something are just going to be the way they are. I need to work on myself more. keep exercising, eating right, volunteering, pulling it all back together. but i’ve got this. i do.

confusion

i’m really not sure what the heck is going on in my life right now. i’m seriously confused. something is really going to get messed up. i just know it. i can’t keep anything straight. i’m so stressed that i don’t want to eat or get out of bed. it’s not depression. it’s just having a head full of conflicting thoughts. i don’t know what to do. i’ve not been like this for a long long time. i wish i knew what to do or say to fix it. i wish i knew what i wanted. i’m so lonely right now. and i feel like i have to keep it all inside. i’m trying really hard to do what’s right, but i don’t even know what that is right now. September 1st and 2nd are always hard for me. i was raped and had my virginity taken away from me september 1, 1997. it doesn’t hurt as much of course, but it altered the course of my history. it altered they way i viewed men. it altered the way i viewed sex. it changed me forever. having ptsd along with bipolar disorder wrecks havoc when it comes to dealing with relationships. part of me turns emotions completely off and does what ever feels good to hell with everyone else. and the other vulnerable part of me hides and tries to pretend it doesn’t see what’s happening. either way it’s not healthy. when greg’s here he protects me from most of my manic impulses. this summer they just ran wild. i truly believe that this week those so many years ago started this strange path of mental illness. today, i might be feeling kind of weak and confused, but slowly i’ll pull it all together again and be strong. i fight and i fight hard. but i must be honest with myself and honest with others or else i’m not being true to myself. maybe that will get me unconfused. i miss greg so much, aside from all of the unforgivable things i’ve done, he forgives me and understands me. he is so much more than i could have asked for in a partner.

in between 2

I keep listening to that song. Listening to the whole album, Minutes to Midnight. For me having bipolar disorder, music has played a big part in my mood. But i’m specific, i can only listen the exact perfect music for the mood or it sounds painful. this song is my mood. i’m in between. i’m pretty sure the major manic episode is over. which for the last week or so is something i’ve been in denial about. mania thinks it feels so good. at the time it does. but it’s like a tornado swirling, wrecking havoc, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.  it’s not until after that you crawl out, come out from cover and take a long long look around, and see all the harm that was done. this time i not only hurt myself, I hurt a lot of other people in my path. i was completely unaware of how i effected people. my family, friends, strangers. i completely neglected relationships, let too many close friends in on things they didn’t need to know, fucked with people’s emotions and used them for pleasure, i was not being to my loved ones the person i normally was.  looking back i’m in sheer disbelief of all the crazy scary things i did. i really could have been killed in so many ways on so many occasions. but i came through alive. but i still feel called from the from beckoning finger of manic seduction. i’m not back to normal. i won’t be for a while. there are still manic habits lingering. some good things came from this episode though. i feel more independent. I again affirmed who my real friends are. i can drive a hell of a lot further than to the grocery store now. i still have the confidence left, but i don’t think it’s false. i’ve gotten surprisingly healthier. i’ve fucked up a lot this summer, but i’m able to still hold true to how i feel about my real true self. i know the things i did weren’t my fault, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling guilt about the hurt i’ve caused.  i just feel so in between. but i’m not sure what comes next. I’m not even sure who i want to be next. it might be time for another better newer different version of beth. i’ve always put myself in a role to play. but they were ones that i was trying out. Someone else’s. This time i’m doing it my way. I’m creating a new story. this time i’m writing it myself.