switch

I’m not a switch. i can’t be turned on and off at will. i am complex. i have complex feelings. i can’t make myself act one way today and then be completely different tomorrow. it just doesn’t work that way. right now i have to be independent. I don’t have a lot of help in every day life. i go it on my own and i’ve gotten used to it. well greg came home a few weeks ago and i think somehow expected me to be the same after living manic for these many months alone. well i’m not the same person. there’s no way i could be. it was a tough trip home for us. when he doesn’t decide to come home for good it’s not going to be an easy road to recover from this. but i can’t even think about that right now. i’m just going to keep doing what is the best for me and what i enjoy the most. this is my time. no one else’s and i’m going to do anything i want that i think might make me stronger and better. i’ve not been the kindest, but i’m also pretty angry inside and resentful. these are things that will have to be eventually worked out, but like i said. not right now. this is my time not us time or time for me and anyone else other that the people i choose to put into my daily routine.

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