switch

I’m not a switch. i can’t be turned on and off at will. i am complex. i have complex feelings. i can’t make myself act one way today and then be completely different tomorrow. it just doesn’t work that way. right now i have to be independent. I don’t have a lot of help in every day life. i go it on my own and i’ve gotten used to it. well greg came home a few weeks ago and i think somehow expected me to be the same after living manic for these many months alone. well i’m not the same person. there’s no way i could be. it was a tough trip home for us. when he doesn’t decide to come home for good it’s not going to be an easy road to recover from this. but i can’t even think about that right now. i’m just going to keep doing what is the best for me and what i enjoy the most. this is my time. no one else’s and i’m going to do anything i want that i think might make me stronger and better. i’ve not been the kindest, but i’m also pretty angry inside and resentful. these are things that will have to be eventually worked out, but like i said. not right now. this is my time not us time or time for me and anyone else other that the people i choose to put into my daily routine.

CHEMICALS

MY CHEMICALS ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF WACK. I CRIED TODAY. I DON’T HARDLY EVER CRIED. I THINK MY BODY IS REALLY CONFUSED ABOUT THIS NEW BIRTH CONTROL. I FEELS REALLY WEIRD. TODAY STARTED OUT SO GREAT. THEN THINGS JUST KEPT GOING WRONG, AND MORE WRONG, AND MORE WRONG. NOTHING A COMPLETE DISASTER, JUST WHEN THEY ADD UP I GET PRETTY CRANKY. PLUS I FEEL ALL CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED. IT’S STUPID. EVERYTHING IS STUPID RIGHT NOW AND I’M PROBABLY JUST GOING TO GO TO BED AND CALL THIS ONE DONE. TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER. IT HAS TO BE. LOL

Early Morning Musings

it’s 8:59 am. I’ve been up since 5:30am. I went to bed early in my new quest to change some simple things in my life and hopefully they will have a maximum impact. First off, I’m in a fantastic mood right now. Usually when i write it’s at night and i’m tired and stressed, have been alone all day long, and am angsty. Not today. I woke up early because i went to bed early as to not let my mind get into trouble. When I woke up i wasn’t sure what i wanted to do. I thought about going to the gym, but decided against it. then i thought about what a friend told me about how there is a program where you can go from the couch to 5k in like 9 weeks. so i decided to try it out and see how i liked it. i loaded up the podcast on my phone, plugged in my earphones, and started around the neighborhood. it was a nice pace. walking longer periods alternating with running for 60 seconds. my body felt great and since i hadn’t run at all in a while, i was pretty happy with how i felt. i really want to do this. i don’t know how it will work with greg being home. i might have to wait until he’s gone to hit it hardcore. or i could make him do it with me. we’ll see how it goes.

i realized something not so good about myself lately. there have been some people in my life lately that should not have been there. my problem is i don’t know how to tell people that i don’t want them around anymore. instead i handle it by making them so irritated that they eventually go away. i’m guessing it goes back to my inability to tell people no. i can never say no to people. i feel too guilty. i need to get over this.

i’m going to start making more positive changes and it’s starting now. i’m not going to get taken advantage of and i’m going to do healthy things for myself instead of intentionally harming myself. i feel great today and it needs to continue. i want my life back, but this time i want it to be even better than it was.