questions

I have so much on my mind right now. so many thoughts. so many questions. but they aren’t racing. they aren’t manic. they are just life stuff. big life stuff though. i am really questioning who i am right now. who i want to be in the future going forward. i feel like for such a long time i was lost and then i forced myself into this role that really wasn’t me. i’m not sure how to sort it all out. i’ve been kinda upset lately. there’s something wrong with me and relationships. somehow people disappear out of my life without a word. it leaves me wondering what is wrong with me, what did i do, what happened? it’s really the most frustrating thing in the world to me. can’t people just tell you if they have a problem with you. why just ignore me? i’ve also been having a lot of questions regarding my religion lately. i just can’t seem to find a way to be bipolar and still be a good orthodox christian. i don’t even know who i can turn to for help. how do you confess sins that you really didn’t have much choice in committing? how will a priest understand that. i need communion for healing, but i have to go to confession first. how does this make sense? next. what do i want to do with my life. i have to do something. i can’t just be a really shitty housewife with no kids forever. Maybe i need a list of things i know to be true about me. let’s give that a shot.

 

  • I believe in the trinity and that god has a plan for my life
  • i love my husband and want to spend my life with him
  • i enjoy helping people and making others happy
  • i can be really needy sometimes
  • i’m not sure that i want a family
  • i want to be some sort of a councilor some day
  • i love the company of men
  • i obsess way too much and over think things
  • i am not perfect and never claim to be
  • i generally am confident with who i am even if i don’t know who that is
  • i don’t ever like to lie
  • i make a lot of excuses
  • i want people around me that make me smile
  • when i don’t know what to do i just do what people tell me whether or not they are worth listening to
  • being bipolar complicated almost every aspect of my life
  • i’m terrified of being judged
  • i’m scared of being alone
  • i’d do absolutely anything for the people i care about
  • i’m comfortable in my own skin
  • i love to write and want to do more of it
  • i’m afraid i’m wasting my life away
  • i don’t like being a “good girl” i’ve always been a bit naughty
  • i say i’m a really good friend, but have serious doubts about that
  • i always put myself first
  • i’m afraid i’ll never live up to what greg deserves in a wife
  • i have enough love for a million people in my heart

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