pushing through

i wasn’t going to write tonight. i wanted to let my thoughts work themselves out, but you can guess how well that worked. i’m ok today. i’m not great, i’m not over the mania, but i’m not in a constant state of panic either. i even for a few moments felt brief peace. actually there were some great moments today. i can’t forget that. i was able to look a few friends in the face and know that they are really there for me. that they honestly care. that means a lot. a whole whole lot right now. one was completely unexpected. i had the chance to talk to our really great friend monica all the way up in alaska. the cool thing was that we used facetime and got to look at each other when we spoke, facetime is making up for everything texting took away. i hate texting by the way…Anywho, monica and i had a really really good talk. she seemed to understand somethings about me that i hadn’t thought of and was totally nonjudgemental and really supportive. she let me be honest with out being afraid of consequences. that’s rare. monica if you ever read this i love you so much for giving me that today. i really needed it. i’m also realizing that different people can handle different amounts of my illness to varying degrees. my sister for instance can’t really handle the mania. she isn’t at a place in her life where what i do would make sense to her. i’m almost kind of glad that’s the case because it makes her normal and mentally healthy. my other friends today were again on that continuum of being able to kinda understand to sorta understand, but they love me anyway and that’s what really matters. i try not to make people feel uncomfortable and usually i fail miserably, so i really have to think hard if i can before i start telling people what’s been going on. i have to filter and i suck at that. i mean some people just really don’t want to know, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care.

Greg. Oh Greg. there is so much that i can say about how things have been between us lately. really rough is an understatement. i don’t want to go on about the details instead i want to make a statement. i don’t want him to come home yet. it’s not because i don’t want to see him. i desperately more than anything do. i don’t want him to come home yet, because i’m not ready. that last two times he came home i was waiting, counting down, everything was perfect. the house, my life, how i looked, everything. he comes home in three weeks and i know for sure things are not going to be perfect. in fact i’m ashamed. i’ve disappointed him on so many levels. i’ve dropped the ball. he expected me to keep everything together and stay on top of things and i let him down. not only did i hurt him, i seriously jeopardized our financial future. the one reason he’s gone and i’m here being irresponsible and careless. but it’s more than that. i let myself become manic. i didn’t hold on tight enough, i let it slip through my fingers. he was so proud of me for so long and it breaks my heart that he’s going to come home to me in this state. i don’t want him to see me like this. i want him to stay proud of me. it felt so good that for once in my life for once! i was doing the right things. i’ve always been such a disappointment to him and it meant the world to me that last time i picked him up at the airport i was healthy, had lost 70lbs, was happy, had a put together house, and was acting like a responsible adult. this time is going to be different. i don’t want to look into his eyes and see the shame he feels towards me. right now i just can’t bear it. i wish that this wasn’t going to be the case, but i don’t see it going any other way. i’m not better yet, and 3 weeks is not very long. it’s not long enough for me to make it all better for him in a way he deserves. I’ll go to the airport, i’ll look as pretty as i can, i’ll put on my strongest happy face and i’ll take whatever comes. but i’m not ready.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *