panic

i can’t breathe right now at all. i’m completely panicked. i decided to stop being a whore. i made a promise to someone that i would stop. i didn’t think it would be this hard. i deleted my chat apps and haven’t texted people that i shouldn’t since yesterday afternoon. right now i feel that urge to do something wrong something bad something exciting. but i can’t. i promised i wouldn’t. now i can’t breathe. for me acting out sexually was on par with having to breathe and eat. it wasn’t an option. now stopping it is making my feel the worst i have in months. i feel like a freaking drug addict. maybe i need to redirect the urges to something else less dangerous. my friend suggested i find some gays to hang out with. that they are always full of wild fun. problem is that i don’t know any. i guess i could go to a gay bar alone and try to make friends, but i really don’t like going out alone. i haven’t eaten and just now took some adavan to relax. i never remember to take it until it’s too late. i’m dumb. i don’t think i’m going to make it through this. i know what i’m doing is the safest thing for me and when you’re manic sometimes that’s the only thing that logically computes. but when it comes down to it i don’t even care if i’m safe. i don’t really care if i make it out of this. i don’t care about anything at all. i don’t even know what kind of life i’ll have left after the mania runs it’s course. i pray to god greg can stick it out with me. i need him. i really really need him. he is the only person that really understand and loves me regardless of how i can be. he deserves better than me, but for some reason he chose me. and that means a lot to him and i. i think i’ll keep writing. and maybe more art work. it seems to help. maybe the urges will pass if i keep doing therapeutic things. i don’t know right now i’m just freaking out. and i feel more alone than i ever have in my whole life, because there is not one person i can call and talk about this with. can you imagine that? not one person you can tell the whole truth to. the whole story. AND have them understand to boot. it sucks. fuck. this isn’t helping. i don’t know what i’m going to do to get through the night. i’m not giving in though. i’m not going to go out and do naughty things. i promised and that means something to me.

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