my 100th blog

I can’t believe i’ve done 100 of these. that’s a lot of ranting i’m sure… i’ve thought a lot about what i might want to write on these one. something special to celebrate, but i’ve come up with zilch. i don’t have the patience to look back over the past entries and make some grand revelation and speak with some new found insight. sorry. hope you weren’t looking for that. i’m not in the mood. the day started out amazingly. i got up made plans for later in the day with a friend, decided to take a zumba exercise class (which was incredible Btw), i got my nails done, had lunch, and went to the tanning bed. came home and had an awesome time hanging with my friend. after that i wasn’t sure what to do. i didn’t want to sit here but i didn’t really feel like talking to anyone. about that. i’ve pushed everyone away for two reasons. 1) I need to protect them from this madness, they don’t need to be involved in what i do. i don’t want to hear about it or scandalize anyone. 2)unless you have a PhD. after your name or a dr. in front you can’t help me!! So stop trying. and don’t get all mad when i cut you off because i’ve heard it all before. getting a job, going to school, getting more exercise, “surrounding my self with good people,” just making better decisions, etc. i know yes these are good things but they don’t cure bipolar disorder and sure don’t help mania. i’m going to do what ever i want to right now. i don’t have a choice. when i fight it i feel like i’m going to actually die. i don’t like that feeling and you don’t know what that’s like so sorry if i get defensive. if i do want to talk that means i want to talk. not listen to you try to help me. at this point i don’t care about my future. i care about this second and making it feel as good as i can. if you want to help. read this. comment and prove to me you cared enough about me to tell me that you read what i had to say. my guess? zero comments. i don’t care if anyone reads this or not. that’s not the reason i write, i’m just saying if you want to understand here’s how you can.

 

i sound pretty angry. i guess that’s because i feel really alone. it’s just that every time i’m with someone and i’m really happy and they leave it feels like the bottom drops out and i have to start  all over again. i’m tired of being in search of company. it’s lame. and i’m over it.

 

i feel like i’m vibrating all over. every nerve ending is tingling every neuron firing. i feel so alive it hurts. a breeze across my shoulders is more intensity than i can handle. this can’t be right. people aren’t supposed to feel this way right? that’s where i get confused. i keep jumping back and forth from realizing that things are really fucked up to not caring or understanding why they might be. it’s like the mania dips for a few hours i see some clarity then lose it again. i called some people for help today, but i don’t want it. there’s no point.My faith has been pushed away like everyone else that i hold dear. i can’t touch it right now. i can’t even pray right now. i’ve given up on help. besides sometimes i feel so amazing i don’t want to lose that either. today really was an amazing day. for so many reasons….

 

i don’t know what i’m doing, but i’m just going to keep doing what feels good and doesn’t cause me any pain. i can’t take pain. i’m really afraid of other states of bipolar. those don’t feel very good. i’d also like to stay alive so there’s that. i have to stop my hands are vibrating too much and my brain is racing too fast to go on.

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