limits

we all have our limits. some much further or harder to hit that others. tonight i hit mine. i was sitting at home. alone. i couldn’t take the craziness in my head, the pain. so i went to a local bar to have a beer. i never ever ever do this, but i just wanted a drink and to be around people. maybe find someone to talk to. what i found were other lonely people and no one to talk to. at least the beer was free. i’ve reached my limit. i sucked it up when i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and had to go through the shots and classes and blood draws all alone. i dealt with this bipolar mess alone. but i just can’t do it any more. it’s time for greg to come home. each day gets worse and worse and worse. i can’t do this all alone anymore. i’m not always eating because i just don’t have the will to buy groceries. tonight i drank my dinner. i rarely test my blood. i forget to take my pills. i am just falling apart and can’t do this alone any more. i go to extreme lengths for company. i’ll do anything just to not be by myself and this isn’t always smart or safe. i think the ptsd crap is effecting some of my decisions and the my memories of them. it’s just no longer safe for me to be alone. greg, ive reached my limit. you need to find a way to stay here when you come back in august, because honestly i’m not sure i can survive much longer on my own. anyone want to venture whether he takes me seriously or not? because my guess is his work is much more important and money is much more important than my health and well being. he assumes i can survive anything. and most of the time i can, but this is just too much. i’ve hit my limit. now i’ll wait and see what happens.

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