fear

when i’m scared and afraid i can be a super duper bitch. i was really shitty to get today. it was because i was scared. i’m trying to push away because i don’t want to hurt anymore. why i’m afraid he’ll hurt me i don’t know. it’s stupid. i’ve hurt him more than i’ll ever probably know. i’m about ready to go shut down. i can’t take it any more. i can’t choose between my mental health and my physical health and i feel like i have to. this dumb med that im on is making me starving. which being diabetic and trying not to gain weight is bad. i’m really tired and just want to say screw it, i’m done. i’m trying to exercise, i’m trying to eat right, i’m trying not to make horrible life altering life choices, i’m trying not to drive myself crazy, i’m trying to stay occupied in positive ways, i’m trying to make good quality friends that don’t want something from me, i’m trying to keep my marriage from falling apart, i’m just trying so hard that i don’t know if i have any more strength left in me. i’m afraid i’ll never fix all of this. i’m afraid to be alone. i also keep pissing people off. i’m not what people want me to be sometimes. especially my family. i disappoint people and then they tell me all about it. i give up. today i quit. i’m taking a break. i’m not going to think about anything or worry about anything or do anything else today. i’m going to sleep or watch tv if i can which i doubt since i’m still manic and can’t sit still, but i’m going to try. i’m sorry if i hurt you. i’m sorry if i was mean. i wish i knew what to say to make this all go away. forgive me?

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