desk work

I haven’t spent enough time in front of the computer lately. how odd does that sound? most people say they spend too much time here. i had kinda of a rough day. i’m still all confused. i still don’t know what i want, but i was made aware by a couple people today that what i am doing i just not safe regardless of why i’m doing it. and that i need to stop making excuses. ok so i’m manic. does that give me free reign on doing whatever i want when ever i want? no. because where or not i’m capable of making good choices right now, there will be consequences regardless. how will i feel when i’m not manic looking back on my decisions. probably pretty horrible. right now i don’t see a problem with what i’m doing, but i think i will later. almost all my life i’ve battled with the sinner/saint identifiers. a tattoo that i have wanted for a really really long time i an ambiagram of sinner/saint. the duality of the nature of humans will always put us in this epic struggle. i feel like it’s a battle i will never ever win. and it seems to fit perfectly with the bipolar nature. anyway, i was also told that i should try to do more art work. well that really isn’t a possibility right now in terms of making something pretty just for the sake of making something pretty. but i decided to make something. so i printed out a bunch of pictures and cut them out and taped them in my sketch book then packing taped over it all and sharpied it. most of it shows above. to see the whole thing look in the creative outlets page. its crap, but it  feel really good to get some creative release. art doesn’t have to be good to be helpful. it’s so therapeutic. it gets feelings out that i can’t even begin to express verbally. i’m going to keep trying to do more when i feel that urge to do something crazy to fill it in an unhealthy way. i’ll probably screw up, but i’m going to give it a shot. i should also be journaling more. because i can write there even more that i can here. i’m pretty open and honest on here, but there is still a lot that i tell no one. NO ONE! i can’t. it would be dangerous. i’m really rambling right now and should stop, but my thoughts are spiraling like crazy. i’ll take a break and maybe write more later.

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