fear

when i’m scared and afraid i can be a super duper bitch. i was really shitty to get today. it was because i was scared. i’m trying to push away because i don’t want to hurt anymore. why i’m afraid he’ll hurt me i don’t know. it’s stupid. i’ve hurt him more than i’ll ever probably know. i’m about ready to go shut down. i can’t take it any more. i can’t choose between my mental health and my physical health and i feel like i have to. this dumb med that im on is making me starving. which being diabetic and trying not to gain weight is bad. i’m really tired and just want to say screw it, i’m done. i’m trying to exercise, i’m trying to eat right, i’m trying not to make horrible life altering life choices, i’m trying not to drive myself crazy, i’m trying to stay occupied in positive ways, i’m trying to make good quality friends that don’t want something from me, i’m trying to keep my marriage from falling apart, i’m just trying so hard that i don’t know if i have any more strength left in me. i’m afraid i’ll never fix all of this. i’m afraid to be alone. i also keep pissing people off. i’m not what people want me to be sometimes. especially my family. i disappoint people and then they tell me all about it. i give up. today i quit. i’m taking a break. i’m not going to think about anything or worry about anything or do anything else today. i’m going to sleep or watch tv if i can which i doubt since i’m still manic and can’t sit still, but i’m going to try. i’m sorry if i hurt you. i’m sorry if i was mean. i wish i knew what to say to make this all go away. forgive me?

limits

we all have our limits. some much further or harder to hit that others. tonight i hit mine. i was sitting at home. alone. i couldn’t take the craziness in my head, the pain. so i went to a local bar to have a beer. i never ever ever do this, but i just wanted a drink and to be around people. maybe find someone to talk to. what i found were other lonely people and no one to talk to. at least the beer was free. i’ve reached my limit. i sucked it up when i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and had to go through the shots and classes and blood draws all alone. i dealt with this bipolar mess alone. but i just can’t do it any more. it’s time for greg to come home. each day gets worse and worse and worse. i can’t do this all alone anymore. i’m not always eating because i just don’t have the will to buy groceries. tonight i drank my dinner. i rarely test my blood. i forget to take my pills. i am just falling apart and can’t do this alone any more. i go to extreme lengths for company. i’ll do anything just to not be by myself and this isn’t always smart or safe. i think the ptsd crap is effecting some of my decisions and the my memories of them. it’s just no longer safe for me to be alone. greg, ive reached my limit. you need to find a way to stay here when you come back in august, because honestly i’m not sure i can survive much longer on my own. anyone want to venture whether he takes me seriously or not? because my guess is his work is much more important and money is much more important than my health and well being. he assumes i can survive anything. and most of the time i can, but this is just too much. i’ve hit my limit. now i’ll wait and see what happens.

my 100th blog

I can’t believe i’ve done 100 of these. that’s a lot of ranting i’m sure… i’ve thought a lot about what i might want to write on these one. something special to celebrate, but i’ve come up with zilch. i don’t have the patience to look back over the past entries and make some grand revelation and speak with some new found insight. sorry. hope you weren’t looking for that. i’m not in the mood. the day started out amazingly. i got up made plans for later in the day with a friend, decided to take a zumba exercise class (which was incredible Btw), i got my nails done, had lunch, and went to the tanning bed. came home and had an awesome time hanging with my friend. after that i wasn’t sure what to do. i didn’t want to sit here but i didn’t really feel like talking to anyone. about that. i’ve pushed everyone away for two reasons. 1) I need to protect them from this madness, they don’t need to be involved in what i do. i don’t want to hear about it or scandalize anyone. 2)unless you have a PhD. after your name or a dr. in front you can’t help me!! So stop trying. and don’t get all mad when i cut you off because i’ve heard it all before. getting a job, going to school, getting more exercise, “surrounding my self with good people,” just making better decisions, etc. i know yes these are good things but they don’t cure bipolar disorder and sure don’t help mania. i’m going to do what ever i want to right now. i don’t have a choice. when i fight it i feel like i’m going to actually die. i don’t like that feeling and you don’t know what that’s like so sorry if i get defensive. if i do want to talk that means i want to talk. not listen to you try to help me. at this point i don’t care about my future. i care about this second and making it feel as good as i can. if you want to help. read this. comment and prove to me you cared enough about me to tell me that you read what i had to say. my guess? zero comments. i don’t care if anyone reads this or not. that’s not the reason i write, i’m just saying if you want to understand here’s how you can.

 

i sound pretty angry. i guess that’s because i feel really alone. it’s just that every time i’m with someone and i’m really happy and they leave it feels like the bottom drops out and i have to start  all over again. i’m tired of being in search of company. it’s lame. and i’m over it.

 

i feel like i’m vibrating all over. every nerve ending is tingling every neuron firing. i feel so alive it hurts. a breeze across my shoulders is more intensity than i can handle. this can’t be right. people aren’t supposed to feel this way right? that’s where i get confused. i keep jumping back and forth from realizing that things are really fucked up to not caring or understanding why they might be. it’s like the mania dips for a few hours i see some clarity then lose it again. i called some people for help today, but i don’t want it. there’s no point.My faith has been pushed away like everyone else that i hold dear. i can’t touch it right now. i can’t even pray right now. i’ve given up on help. besides sometimes i feel so amazing i don’t want to lose that either. today really was an amazing day. for so many reasons….

 

i don’t know what i’m doing, but i’m just going to keep doing what feels good and doesn’t cause me any pain. i can’t take pain. i’m really afraid of other states of bipolar. those don’t feel very good. i’d also like to stay alive so there’s that. i have to stop my hands are vibrating too much and my brain is racing too fast to go on.

purging

there are two options right now. burn the house down and start all over or throw away everything that is looking at me funny or bothering me. which is everything. I’m purging. i have to throw away everything that i don’t need. things i’ve had for 20 years, but have no use. Gone! if i don’t need it and i have it, i don’t need it. (catch that greg? heh.) seriously i feel like i need some kind of cleansing. i feel like i’m suffocating in here and i can’t stand it. why do i need all this stuff? what use does it have? none that’s why it’s gone. stuff that i was holding on to for sentimental reasons that i don’t need to be having sentiment about. gone. some how i threw out the cowboy hat. i have no idea how i did that. but i don’t need to remember that night anymore. i’m over it. old sculptures from my ptsd therapy. the scary monster got thrown very hard into the bad. fuck him! he doesn’t bother me anymore either. i’m kinda tired though. i thought i could do this all night,but its really not all that fun. this has distracted me now. shoot now what?? hmm…..

pushing through

i wasn’t going to write tonight. i wanted to let my thoughts work themselves out, but you can guess how well that worked. i’m ok today. i’m not great, i’m not over the mania, but i’m not in a constant state of panic either. i even for a few moments felt brief peace. actually there were some great moments today. i can’t forget that. i was able to look a few friends in the face and know that they are really there for me. that they honestly care. that means a lot. a whole whole lot right now. one was completely unexpected. i had the chance to talk to our really great friend monica all the way up in alaska. the cool thing was that we used facetime and got to look at each other when we spoke, facetime is making up for everything texting took away. i hate texting by the way…Anywho, monica and i had a really really good talk. she seemed to understand somethings about me that i hadn’t thought of and was totally nonjudgemental and really supportive. she let me be honest with out being afraid of consequences. that’s rare. monica if you ever read this i love you so much for giving me that today. i really needed it. i’m also realizing that different people can handle different amounts of my illness to varying degrees. my sister for instance can’t really handle the mania. she isn’t at a place in her life where what i do would make sense to her. i’m almost kind of glad that’s the case because it makes her normal and mentally healthy. my other friends today were again on that continuum of being able to kinda understand to sorta understand, but they love me anyway and that’s what really matters. i try not to make people feel uncomfortable and usually i fail miserably, so i really have to think hard if i can before i start telling people what’s been going on. i have to filter and i suck at that. i mean some people just really don’t want to know, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care.

Greg. Oh Greg. there is so much that i can say about how things have been between us lately. really rough is an understatement. i don’t want to go on about the details instead i want to make a statement. i don’t want him to come home yet. it’s not because i don’t want to see him. i desperately more than anything do. i don’t want him to come home yet, because i’m not ready. that last two times he came home i was waiting, counting down, everything was perfect. the house, my life, how i looked, everything. he comes home in three weeks and i know for sure things are not going to be perfect. in fact i’m ashamed. i’ve disappointed him on so many levels. i’ve dropped the ball. he expected me to keep everything together and stay on top of things and i let him down. not only did i hurt him, i seriously jeopardized our financial future. the one reason he’s gone and i’m here being irresponsible and careless. but it’s more than that. i let myself become manic. i didn’t hold on tight enough, i let it slip through my fingers. he was so proud of me for so long and it breaks my heart that he’s going to come home to me in this state. i don’t want him to see me like this. i want him to stay proud of me. it felt so good that for once in my life for once! i was doing the right things. i’ve always been such a disappointment to him and it meant the world to me that last time i picked him up at the airport i was healthy, had lost 70lbs, was happy, had a put together house, and was acting like a responsible adult. this time is going to be different. i don’t want to look into his eyes and see the shame he feels towards me. right now i just can’t bear it. i wish that this wasn’t going to be the case, but i don’t see it going any other way. i’m not better yet, and 3 weeks is not very long. it’s not long enough for me to make it all better for him in a way he deserves. I’ll go to the airport, i’ll look as pretty as i can, i’ll put on my strongest happy face and i’ll take whatever comes. but i’m not ready.

panic

i can’t breathe right now at all. i’m completely panicked. i decided to stop being a whore. i made a promise to someone that i would stop. i didn’t think it would be this hard. i deleted my chat apps and haven’t texted people that i shouldn’t since yesterday afternoon. right now i feel that urge to do something wrong something bad something exciting. but i can’t. i promised i wouldn’t. now i can’t breathe. for me acting out sexually was on par with having to breathe and eat. it wasn’t an option. now stopping it is making my feel the worst i have in months. i feel like a freaking drug addict. maybe i need to redirect the urges to something else less dangerous. my friend suggested i find some gays to hang out with. that they are always full of wild fun. problem is that i don’t know any. i guess i could go to a gay bar alone and try to make friends, but i really don’t like going out alone. i haven’t eaten and just now took some adavan to relax. i never remember to take it until it’s too late. i’m dumb. i don’t think i’m going to make it through this. i know what i’m doing is the safest thing for me and when you’re manic sometimes that’s the only thing that logically computes. but when it comes down to it i don’t even care if i’m safe. i don’t really care if i make it out of this. i don’t care about anything at all. i don’t even know what kind of life i’ll have left after the mania runs it’s course. i pray to god greg can stick it out with me. i need him. i really really need him. he is the only person that really understand and loves me regardless of how i can be. he deserves better than me, but for some reason he chose me. and that means a lot to him and i. i think i’ll keep writing. and maybe more art work. it seems to help. maybe the urges will pass if i keep doing therapeutic things. i don’t know right now i’m just freaking out. and i feel more alone than i ever have in my whole life, because there is not one person i can call and talk about this with. can you imagine that? not one person you can tell the whole truth to. the whole story. AND have them understand to boot. it sucks. fuck. this isn’t helping. i don’t know what i’m going to do to get through the night. i’m not giving in though. i’m not going to go out and do naughty things. i promised and that means something to me.

desk work

I haven’t spent enough time in front of the computer lately. how odd does that sound? most people say they spend too much time here. i had kinda of a rough day. i’m still all confused. i still don’t know what i want, but i was made aware by a couple people today that what i am doing i just not safe regardless of why i’m doing it. and that i need to stop making excuses. ok so i’m manic. does that give me free reign on doing whatever i want when ever i want? no. because where or not i’m capable of making good choices right now, there will be consequences regardless. how will i feel when i’m not manic looking back on my decisions. probably pretty horrible. right now i don’t see a problem with what i’m doing, but i think i will later. almost all my life i’ve battled with the sinner/saint identifiers. a tattoo that i have wanted for a really really long time i an ambiagram of sinner/saint. the duality of the nature of humans will always put us in this epic struggle. i feel like it’s a battle i will never ever win. and it seems to fit perfectly with the bipolar nature. anyway, i was also told that i should try to do more art work. well that really isn’t a possibility right now in terms of making something pretty just for the sake of making something pretty. but i decided to make something. so i printed out a bunch of pictures and cut them out and taped them in my sketch book then packing taped over it all and sharpied it. most of it shows above. to see the whole thing look in the creative outlets page. its crap, but it  feel really good to get some creative release. art doesn’t have to be good to be helpful. it’s so therapeutic. it gets feelings out that i can’t even begin to express verbally. i’m going to keep trying to do more when i feel that urge to do something crazy to fill it in an unhealthy way. i’ll probably screw up, but i’m going to give it a shot. i should also be journaling more. because i can write there even more that i can here. i’m pretty open and honest on here, but there is still a lot that i tell no one. NO ONE! i can’t. it would be dangerous. i’m really rambling right now and should stop, but my thoughts are spiraling like crazy. i’ll take a break and maybe write more later.

questions

I have so much on my mind right now. so many thoughts. so many questions. but they aren’t racing. they aren’t manic. they are just life stuff. big life stuff though. i am really questioning who i am right now. who i want to be in the future going forward. i feel like for such a long time i was lost and then i forced myself into this role that really wasn’t me. i’m not sure how to sort it all out. i’ve been kinda upset lately. there’s something wrong with me and relationships. somehow people disappear out of my life without a word. it leaves me wondering what is wrong with me, what did i do, what happened? it’s really the most frustrating thing in the world to me. can’t people just tell you if they have a problem with you. why just ignore me? i’ve also been having a lot of questions regarding my religion lately. i just can’t seem to find a way to be bipolar and still be a good orthodox christian. i don’t even know who i can turn to for help. how do you confess sins that you really didn’t have much choice in committing? how will a priest understand that. i need communion for healing, but i have to go to confession first. how does this make sense? next. what do i want to do with my life. i have to do something. i can’t just be a really shitty housewife with no kids forever. Maybe i need a list of things i know to be true about me. let’s give that a shot.

 

  • I believe in the trinity and that god has a plan for my life
  • i love my husband and want to spend my life with him
  • i enjoy helping people and making others happy
  • i can be really needy sometimes
  • i’m not sure that i want a family
  • i want to be some sort of a councilor some day
  • i love the company of men
  • i obsess way too much and over think things
  • i am not perfect and never claim to be
  • i generally am confident with who i am even if i don’t know who that is
  • i don’t ever like to lie
  • i make a lot of excuses
  • i want people around me that make me smile
  • when i don’t know what to do i just do what people tell me whether or not they are worth listening to
  • being bipolar complicated almost every aspect of my life
  • i’m terrified of being judged
  • i’m scared of being alone
  • i’d do absolutely anything for the people i care about
  • i’m comfortable in my own skin
  • i love to write and want to do more of it
  • i’m afraid i’m wasting my life away
  • i don’t like being a “good girl” i’ve always been a bit naughty
  • i say i’m a really good friend, but have serious doubts about that
  • i always put myself first
  • i’m afraid i’ll never live up to what greg deserves in a wife
  • i have enough love for a million people in my heart

pill and stuff

i feel a lot  better today. i decided to not take my abilify today. it was making me eat like a crazy person and i can’t afford to gain weight. it also was making me really sad. i feel good today. we’ll see if i can be ok without taking it the next few days. things have also calmed down inside of me. i feel more in control but still myself. this is a good place to be. pray that it stays this way.

top 10

 

Ton ten reasons you know your manic episode is going away

  1. You have replaced your hard hitting bass bumping music for vivaldi concertos
  2. Sleep seems like a wonderful idea again
  3. you can leave the house in a t-shirt, messy hair, and no make up and not care
  4. you don’t feel like the sexiest woman on the planet
  5. you cry for the first time in months
  6. you don’t think about having sex with every male under 50 that walks by
  7. for some reason you stopped glowing
  8. you want to be held not tied to the bed
  9. you start calling your family again
  10. you’re scared you’ll never ever feel that good ever again