Let’s be honest now

I’ve not always been an honest person. This may surprise some of you that know me well, but from the ages of 15-19 I hid many secrets. After they came out it opened the flood gates. After that i couldn’t keep a secret, thought, or idea to myself.  I pride myself on being an open book. But when you are extremely manic or depressed people just don’t want to hear how you are feeling. it scares them. they don’t know how to take it. and after a while you just want to shut up and not talk to anyone about it because you know you will be misunderstood. It’s frustrating. No one gets what i’m going through. I need to get involved in the online bipolar community again. maybe even a support group. I’m really manic right now, but i think it’s coming down some. that last post was a doozy. Sorry Greg! I mean what can I say though. that’s how i felt for a the last few weeks. like any good drug it’s finally starting to wear off and i’m getting agitated. the guilt is starting to creep in slowly, well at least i’m starting to think about what i do before i do it. still not making the best choices but i’m getting there. It’s weird. you are manic for weeks and then when you start to come a little down you forget what it’s like not to be manic. same way it was for me when i was depressed for so long. I don’t know which ends up. It’s like scuba diving or being in space. “There is no up.” Probably quoted wrong but you get the picture. i’m exhausted. not sleeping and having your mind race for a month straight takes a toll on you. Not having my husband here during all this is taking a toll on me too. I’m not sure if he would have been able to help, but i might have been safer. It’s not his fault by any means i just don’t have a safety net right now. My brain is fried. I’m confused. i’m still racing. maybe some mixed state is occurring. i don’t know but manic thoughts are still controlling me and i hate it. i hope to God that i don’t ruin everything in my life because of this horrible illness.

I’m trying my hardest to be strong, but i broke down this morning. i was talking to my priest and just lost it. I can’t tell him anything. he doesn’t understand. he wouldn’t get it. i cried for the first time since i’ve been manic. i was mad at everyone that they didn’t understand or do the right things to help me. i was mad at myself for failing. i was mad at greg for being gone, leaving me alone when he knows what can happen, mad at my friends for taking advantage of my kindness, and mad at men for treating me like some kind of piece of meat. I’m just mad today.

I’m going to try to make some rules for myself to come down off of this slowly. things i can do less of or differently. i need to not spiral out of control. I’m going to try, but i can’t promise anything. I’ll try to keep updating here. it really helps. if you read this, no matter who you are or what you think please comment. i really don’t like being alone in my head right now.

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