i’m in a weird bizarro mood. I have had a weird day. I don’t know what to think of how i’m feeling. manic for sure! Coming down, maybe? Doing on the z axis? FOr sure. I’ve been listening to journey a lot today. lol the kind of music i can stand to listen to tells a lot about my mood. somethings i have been listening to I can’t now. the bass crave is somewhat leaving me. my brain is all a jumble, in fact right now i need to turn off the music all together. OH better now. I couldn’t concentrate. But this really is a journey. a weird one. i’m sure there will be lots of looking back and head smacking involved. i just want to get through this without any permanent damage to my life and future. who knows. I wish i could pray to god. that’s one thing i lose every time i’m manic. but even though i can’t pray i know he knows that and is with me anyway protecting me from myself the best he can. a slight paranoia is setting in as well. i keep looking over my shoulder. i feel this urge to keep busy to keep pushing to keep acting manic to keep being high. i’m afraid of what might happen if i’m alone too long. it’s scary. i’ve been taking company in anyway i can get it lately. it’s odd, but i need people to be around me. to protect me from my thoughts…


I actually feel better with greg not being here. (sorry baby) it’s like it’s so much easier to be myself. my manic self that is without having to worry about anyone being here to judge me for my actions. i can have less stress this way. maybe i get into more trouble, but i’d still be getting into some kind of trouble. but it doesn’t even feel like trouble. it’s like breathing. something i just have to do to stay alive. no choices when you’re manic. you want something, you do it, get it, buy it!!!! you just have to. i haven’t found another way yet. i guess that’s where greg would have come into play, but i would have hated him this entire time and probably gone to more extremes to act out.


enough. i’m tired. no one even reads this shit. if you do. i’ll keep posting regardless. Night.

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