i’m in a weird bizarro mood. I have had a weird day. I don’t know what to think of how i’m feeling. manic for sure! Coming down, maybe? Doing on the z axis? FOr sure. I’ve been listening to journey a lot today. lol the kind of music i can stand to listen to tells a lot about my mood. somethings i have been listening to I can’t now. the bass crave is somewhat leaving me. my brain is all a jumble, in fact right now i need to turn off the music all together. OH better now. I couldn’t concentrate. But this really is a journey. a weird one. i’m sure there will be lots of looking back and head smacking involved. i just want to get through this without any permanent damage to my life and future. who knows. I wish i could pray to god. that’s one thing i lose every time i’m manic. but even though i can’t pray i know he knows that and is with me anyway protecting me from myself the best he can. a slight paranoia is setting in as well. i keep looking over my shoulder. i feel this urge to keep busy to keep pushing to keep acting manic to keep being high. i’m afraid of what might happen if i’m alone too long. it’s scary. i’ve been taking company in anyway i can get it lately. it’s odd, but i need people to be around me. to protect me from my thoughts…
I actually feel better with greg not being here. (sorry baby) it’s like it’s so much easier to be myself. my manic self that is without having to worry about anyone being here to judge me for my actions. i can have less stress this way. maybe i get into more trouble, but i’d still be getting into some kind of trouble. but it doesn’t even feel like trouble. it’s like breathing. something i just have to do to stay alive. no choices when you’re manic. you want something, you do it, get it, buy it!!!! you just have to. i haven’t found another way yet. i guess that’s where greg would have come into play, but i would have hated him this entire time and probably gone to more extremes to act out.
enough. i’m tired. no one even reads this shit. if you do. i’ll keep posting regardless. Night.
I’m breaking down at an alarming rate. I think the lack of sleep has finally caught up to me. I feel like a radioactive element quickly reaching my half life. Thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions, pain, joy, confusion, clarity. All flying off my brain quicker than i can recognize them. the mania has been really not too bad. i mean it will seem horrible later i’m sure and i’m sure i’ll be doing a lot of explaining and apologizing, but it’s been easier than being suicidal for long periods of time. but right now i don’t have a clue what’s going to happen next. i’ve never felt this mentally ill in all my life. it’s weird. it’s like i can see the crazy. I’m scared to talk to or be around loved ones right now. i am unstable and who knows what could happen. Maybe sleep tonight will help. i had all these great things i wanted to write, but the exhaustion just hit me and i can’t keep a thought straight in my head right now. I’ll be fine. it’s just another weird part of this illness.
I’ve not always been an honest person. This may surprise some of you that know me well, but from the ages of 15-19 I hid many secrets. After they came out it opened the flood gates. After that i couldn’t keep a secret, thought, or idea to myself. I pride myself on being an open book. But when you are extremely manic or depressed people just don’t want to hear how you are feeling. it scares them. they don’t know how to take it. and after a while you just want to shut up and not talk to anyone about it because you know you will be misunderstood. It’s frustrating. No one gets what i’m going through. I need to get involved in the online bipolar community again. maybe even a support group. I’m really manic right now, but i think it’s coming down some. that last post was a doozy. Sorry Greg! I mean what can I say though. that’s how i felt for a the last few weeks. like any good drug it’s finally starting to wear off and i’m getting agitated. the guilt is starting to creep in slowly, well at least i’m starting to think about what i do before i do it. still not making the best choices but i’m getting there. It’s weird. you are manic for weeks and then when you start to come a little down you forget what it’s like not to be manic. same way it was for me when i was depressed for so long. I don’t know which ends up. It’s like scuba diving or being in space. “There is no up.” Probably quoted wrong but you get the picture. i’m exhausted. not sleeping and having your mind race for a month straight takes a toll on you. Not having my husband here during all this is taking a toll on me too. I’m not sure if he would have been able to help, but i might have been safer. It’s not his fault by any means i just don’t have a safety net right now. My brain is fried. I’m confused. i’m still racing. maybe some mixed state is occurring. i don’t know but manic thoughts are still controlling me and i hate it. i hope to God that i don’t ruin everything in my life because of this horrible illness.
I’m trying my hardest to be strong, but i broke down this morning. i was talking to my priest and just lost it. I can’t tell him anything. he doesn’t understand. he wouldn’t get it. i cried for the first time since i’ve been manic. i was mad at everyone that they didn’t understand or do the right things to help me. i was mad at myself for failing. i was mad at greg for being gone, leaving me alone when he knows what can happen, mad at my friends for taking advantage of my kindness, and mad at men for treating me like some kind of piece of meat. I’m just mad today.
I’m going to try to make some rules for myself to come down off of this slowly. things i can do less of or differently. i need to not spiral out of control. I’m going to try, but i can’t promise anything. I’ll try to keep updating here. it really helps. if you read this, no matter who you are or what you think please comment. i really don’t like being alone in my head right now.
Ohhh yeah! It’s all about sex! I’m soooooo manic right now. I’m a teenage boy kind of perv right now. OMG! I’m so happy! I think… I feel really really good. Everyone wants me and I want everyone. It’s pretty incredible. How long will this last? No idea. WHat will happen? No idea. Do I care? Hell no! I’m just going along for the ride. Music sounds so good right now. Can’t wait to get my system on Tuesday! WOOT! That’s all for now. I’m going to go have fun!