speak no evil

I can’t speak.

If I say it, it will become real.

Put a gag in my mouth and bite down.

Shadows around every corner. Threatening to show themselves.

Patterns of thought that have haunted me for years are harassing me yet again. This happens. I fight and fight for so long. Even sometimes convince myself that I’m not even fighting anymore. That it once and for all is over. It’s never over. Everyone has their demons. Everyone has their problems. Might just happen to be unusual and difficult for people to wrap their head around. How do you tell new friends that you really want to keep as friends that some times you have voices screaming in your head, sometimes you throw up to feel like you are getting some kind of evil out, sometimes you want to cut yourself, drink an whole bottle of liquor, take a bottle of pills, pull the trigger of a gun on yourself. People for some reason take this shit seriously. ha! It is serious. I know, swear to God, that deep down in my heart I would never ever hurt myself seriously. I guess I just feel very isolated from the very few people that know that. That know my pain and know i have the faith to over come anything. But that also knows that it tears me apart.

Lately, I have been able to pretend past everything. Convincing myself and others that I’m fine. And I am fine. I guess it’s all just catching up to me. I can only be strong for so long before I start to crumble. I just wish I could tell my story and for once not be afraid of rejection. Maybe for once not be looking for rejection.

I’ve been not feeling like myself at all lately. At least when i start to feel like this it feels normal. I’ve been too logical too calm to rational. It’s weird. It’s what I’m supposed to be like. At least that’s what everyone tells me. I’m exhausted. I want to let go. lose control.

But I won’t. I’ve worked too hard. I’ve created a better life for myself and I will not fail this time. I’ll do what ever I have to do. I’ll write, pray, cry, scream, whatever through this. The Lord never gives up on me and I can’t give up on myself.

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