First off, I’m safe. I’m alright. I’m confused and a bit frustrated. in an attempt to become a “better” “healthier” person, i think i’ve somewhat lost myself. I’m having an identity crisis of sorts. I’ve worked sooo very hard to become tougher, stronger, more resilient, and independent this year. in a matter of weeks I turned around a depressed virtually meaningless existence into a productive, fighting for dear life success story. i shouldn’t have been as easy as it was. there has to be consequences of some sort. i’m not saying that i didn’t and don’t struggle to make it everyday, but it just came so easily. I became someone else. Someone that doesn’t resemble even in the slightest any previous version of myself. in the words of my psychiatrist i became normal. it was strange. i was able to use logic and reason to control my thoughts. i was rational and calm. i didn’t stress the small stuff. i lived alone and dealt with crisis situations amazingly. i really believe a miracle had occurred, and i’m not even discounting that one did. i got used to this new self. i felt more comfortable around new people and even made great new friends. people like this new me. my family is happy with who i’ve become. greg is proud of me and don’t even worry anymore about me being alone. i should be shouting from the roof tops how happy i am. why aren’t i? because for one year i have barely felt anything. yes, there were a few times where i nearly lost it, but i didn’t. i’m not even just talking about feeling sadness. I’m talking about feeling alive, comfortable in my skin, like me. i pushed away all of my past emotional tendencies in the name of self preservation. Did i throw the baby out with the bath water? I think i did. I have always been a very passionate emotive person and i want that back. i want to listen to a song and have it move me. to touch me. i want to have conversations about important deep meaningful life questions. I just want to feel something. good or bad. this should scare the shit out of me. hell this whole post should terrify me that i’m feeling this way. but i’m tired of feeling like an impostor. i feel like i’m wearing a mask again. i’ve said that before, but this is different. i feel like i killed part of me that i kinda really liked. i’m not sure i like being so mentally together all the time. it just doesn’t feel like me.
i can’t get over the feeling that there is a pink elephant in the room every time i’m around someone here. It goes even further than that. It’s like there is a pink elephant, but only i can see it or know it’s there. people don’t know how i used to be. i wish they did. i wish it was a good idea to have them know. i’m talking full disclosure. but i don’t think it is. at least not until i decided what’s going on inside of my head.
i don’t want to forget. i don’t want to be someone that’s not true to myself. who ever that is. i need to be around people that know everything. that have always been there. know really love me because they fought these battles with me. i count 4 of them and they are currently not able to be an active part of my life.
thank god for this blog. i’m currently not able to speak these words to anyone. including greg. they won’t come out. i can’t even write them in my journal. they have to be said here. i guess i feel safe here. i don’t know if anyone even reads this, but if you do and you have any experience with living with bipolar disorder and being conflicted, i’d really appreciate any advice.