Believe it or not this was me in the Spring of 2011, right before my worst manic episode I’ve ever had. I was living the life of a devoted Orthodox Christian woman and wife. I prayed multiple times a day. I attended church a few times a week and attended services out of town where Bishops were serving. I was very positive, and was looking forward to the perfect future with my husband. Until this happened….
Yep, mania shook my world apart. Then it was all about sex, men, sexy clothes, over spending, and not sleeping so I could have more time to do the previous things. It was a really crazy out of control time. It took me a very long time to recover.
It’s been a while since I’ve been back to church and a while since I’ve been manic, but both of them haunt me in different ways. When I was manic, I lost my ability to pray. I lost my connection to God. I don’t think I ever fully will able to be back in that place again. I’ve been changed too much. The mania lingers, because it also has changed me so much. I feel I can’t return to the church and believe with all my heart the things it teaches until I feel more clear in my heart. There’s a lot of confusion about whether the things you do while manic are sins or not. I don’t know if they are sinful, but that’s some thing I can’t decide for myself or anyone else. During mania I formed relationships that will forever change me. People that have helped me during mania and beyond. They seem like saviors not sin. I guess I’m torn. Life is not black or white. There are so many shades of grey. All I can do now is be true to my feelings while I’m “normal” and pray for guidance and acceptance. I don’t fit in a box. I don’t think any of us do.
What are the parts that define you that make you 100 shades of grey?