100 Shades of Grey

Orthodox Christian Woman

Believe it or not this was me in the Spring of 2011, right before my worst manic episode I’ve ever had. I was living the life of a devoted Orthodox Christian woman and wife. I prayed multiple times a day. I attended church a few times a week and attended services out of town where Bishops were serving. I was very positive, and was looking forward to the perfect future with my husband. Until this happened….

I decided I was a pin up model and the most beautiful woman alive!
I decided I was a pin up model and the most beautiful woman alive!

Yep, mania shook my world apart. Then it was all about sex, men, sexy clothes, over spending, and not sleeping so I could have more time to do the previous things. It was a really crazy out of control time. It took me a very long time to recover.

And now I’m just plain and confused me…

It’s been a while since I’ve been back to church and a while since I’ve been manic, but both of them haunt me in different ways. When I was manic, I lost my ability to pray. I lost my connection to God. I don’t think I ever fully will able to be back in that place again. I’ve been changed too much. The mania lingers, because it also has changed me so much. I feel I can’t return to the church and believe with all my heart the things it teaches until I feel more clear in my heart. There’s a lot of confusion about whether the things you do while manic are sins or not. I don’t know if they are sinful, but that’s some thing I can’t decide for myself or anyone else. During mania I formed relationships that will forever change me. People that have helped me during mania and beyond. They seem like saviors not sin. I guess I’m torn. Life is not black or white. There are so many shades of grey. All I can do now is be true to my feelings while I’m “normal” and pray for guidance and acceptance. I don’t fit in a box. I don’t think any of us do.

What are the parts that define you that make you 100 shades of grey?

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